The great thing about labels is you can replace them with new ones.

I had a crisis of sexuality when I was around 15/16. I remember sitting in the living room of my BFF's flat, seriously asking myself if I preferred boys or girls. I came to the conclusion that actually, both had their good points and bad points, that I liked both, and that I'd like to try relationships with both. At the time, that was a huge shift in my personality, because before I'd just been the oddball who'd never even been kissed before. My label went from Default:Heterosexual to Bisexual that day, and I still identify more or less in that manner, because it honestly doesn't matter to me what's between a person's legs. What's between their ears, what's in their heart... that is what matters. If we're gonna be pedantic, I guess the term Pansexual is most accurate. Physical attraction is way down the list for me. Mental attraction is where it's at.

If the option for gender fluidity had been floated at that time, I think I would have fit quite happily into the non-binary category, too. My later adolescence would have been rather different. Instead of feeling like I had to dress up like some kind of girl in order to attract literally anyone, I could have oh so very happily rocked up to the pub in a t-shirt and jeans, trainers and short hair and not been at all bothered by the discomfort caused by high heels, teeny hemlines and the pressure to fulfil a certain stereotype. But who are we kidding, this was 1997 in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere, Scotland.

Since then I've had discernible waves of femininity where I'll buy and then actually use this stuff called "makeup" and run a noted preference for floaty fabrics and feminine cuts. It never lasts long. I have had longer periods where I'm in the same pair of jeans until they wear through, or the same pair of jeggings (I have a rotating wardrobe of 5 pairs in the exact same style, 3 different colourways). I'll switch from fitted t-shirts to men's XXL ones. I'll wear my husband's shirts, hoodies. I'll shop in the men's sections because they have funnier t-shirts that aren't covered in sexist shite, pompously over-hyped feminist shite or contrived platitudes. Deadpool FTW! Star Wars? Yes please. You can't find those designs on women's clothing so I don't even bother looking.

Since divorcing my emotions from my physical appearance, I've felt less and less feminine. Less female. Not less of a person, not by any stretch. I'm just not clinging to an old script anymore. I have an IUD so I no longer suffer from periods (GET IN!) and I still have a basic aesthetic, I like my hair to look and feel nice, I won't bare my legs unless they're in heavy tights or have had the fur shorn from them. I don't do jewellery and I've been wearing unisex glasses for well over a decade. But I no longer particularly care about femininity. I wear bras for practical reasons, and I choose the brightly coloured ones or the ones with a nice texture because that appeals to me. I never match my bra to my underwear, hell you're lucky my socks match. I was wearing wedge heels for about a year solid, until they aggravated my Achilles tendon. I wasn't wearing them because they were girl's shoes, I was wearing them because I liked being 3" taller. If you can find me a nice pair of Sketchers that will add height without looking like a Spice Girls revival accessory, I'm interested.

My kids get gender pronouns mixed up all the time. Sometimes I don't think I'm helping though. When they ask: "Mommy, are you a girl or a boy?" and I reply with "Meh, sometimes I can be both" I don't think it's the answer they're looking for. They never push for a definitive answer though, they accept what I say and they're happy with that. Oh to be 4 and not have to run the gamut of preconceived gender idealism.

I find myself idly Googling gender neutrality, non-binary, other such indeterminate phraseology. I look for similarity, I look for funny t-shirts. I don't need to look for people who feel the same, I've now lived enough to not need to validate my existence. If I find a community, well... meh. I suck at socialising anyway.

I fill in forms and I hesitate at the boxes with M and F beside them. I'm happily married, but go by Ms rather than Mrs. I baulk at people who insist I follow a feminine path because of the contents of my underwear. I'm starting to use my given first name less and less because it just looks... odd, it sounds odd when I say or spell it. I know a lot of people might find this kind of thinking to be frightening or unfamiliar, but for me it just feels like it ought to. I've no wish to transition to the other end of the gender spectrum, or to cast off what designates my body as female, but I'm in no rush to use it to define who I am.

"I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses."