Good People

Most people think of themselves as good people. Good people are kind, tolerant, loving, and accepting. When something happens in the lives of these people that makes them realise that actually, they’re not quite as tolerant as they thought, or not quite as accepting, this can make them hurt. That’s because they are now questioning whether they are still a good person. This is called cognitive dissonance.

Sometimes, people will decide that they are still good, and that what happened isn’t real or doesn’t affect them – this eliminates the cause of the dissonance. They go about their business thinking “I am a good person” over and over in their heads, and the level of determination they are employing to maintain the façade of what society expects a good person to look like can leave them feeling tired, exhausted even. This pretence can go on for years. They tell themselves they are a good person so often and so frequently that they start believing it again, even though they’ve not truly accepted the course of events that precipitated the mantra. They never will be the person they think themselves to be, as long as they refuse to confront the inherent dissonance inside.

Sometimes, people realise that they are still good, and that though what has happened has shaken their self-perception, they decide they will overcome that and rise above. They recognise that what happened is very real and will affect them, and they quietly make the movements needed to incorporate this new facet of life into their own. This takes time, and it takes a lot of emotional energy to accomplish. During their own changes, they may appear to be quiet or withdrawn and may appear to not embrace the change. This isn’t due to lack of acceptance, this is due to them taking things at their own pace.

Parents in particular can feel burned as a result of a child’s actions. They ask themselves what they did wrong to raise a child who is this way. They believe that the actions of their child reflect upon how they raised them. This happens when the parent perceives the actions of the child as being abnormal, unacceptable, or wrong.

In terms of coming out, it is the parent’s reaction to the child that is most telling. If a parent feels guilt, shame, or like they raised their child wrong… that tells you they believe that being anything other than straight and cis-gendered is abnormal, unacceptable, or wrong. If they refuse to acknowledge the child’s wishes, that tells you they are attempting to resolve their cognitive dissonance in a way that maintains their façade of being a good person but at the expense of the child. Hiding behind the curtain of not understanding whilst not acknowledging or communicating with their child is both hurtful and obvious, and in many cases, sadly expected. If a parent feels shock and even confusion but without the guilt and shame, this is an indication that they are the type who will rise above their feelings and whole-heartedly accept the changes, in time.

If you haven’t the type of parent who is immediately and unconditionally accepting, maybe due to generational differences or perhaps because of their own upbringing, you might have a parent like I’ve described above. Only you can tell which role your parent fits, and only you can decide how to move on from that. It may be that some parents will never truly be accepting of the new you. It is up to you to decide if that is a make-or-break factor in your relationship. It may be that some parents will just need time to get used to the idea. Only you will be able to tell. You know them best, after all.


Good luck.