Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Little Things

I'm newly struck, every day, by the power of little things. The memory of little things.

Little things like... I no longer feel like I have to defend my preference for carrying a wallet, rather than a purse. Or why I've never really been comfortable with the idea of a "handbag". Or why you rarely see me with jewellery. Why I was offended at the idea of being bought a half-pint because it wasn't considered ladylike to have a pint. Little things like seeing my Tesco receipt in the name of Mx C Woodward, and the huge smile that receipt caused.

I'm unapologetic, full stop. I'm not going to apologise for the administrative cost of changing someone else's definition of me. Instead of the (very British) "Oh, sorry, but, uh [insert excuse here]" I'm instead saying "Actually, I'm changing my name, and you might need to change this, too" and I feel stronger each time.

I no longer feel like I'm constantly apologising for taking up space.

You'll have heard that last line from larger ladies who have come to accept their plus-sized bodies. I only started to feel it properly after accepting that I didn't have to think of myself as a plus-sized female, or as being female in any way.

In therapy, there's always a lot of talk about self-acceptance and self-love. I was never able to achieve either of these at the time or even retrospectively because I was never comfortable in my own body. Now I've removed the gender factor, I've started to truly accept myself and think of myself kindly, even. Little things like that. They can have such a big impact.

The damage wrought by living in an uncomfortable shell is starting to heal even over the few short days since I came out as genderfluid/nonbinary. I'm looking forward to where this will take me.

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