Casual gender stereotyping leads to casual sexism.

And it starts at age 4 and a half, sometimes younger, in our schools and pre-schools.

In my son's Primary School, they are awarded rosettes for good work in forming letters and numbers. All well and good, right? There's a pink one for the girls, labelled "Formation Queen" and a blue one for boys labelled "Formation King". Hmmmm.

My son LOVES the colour pink. He had pink wellies for 6 months and might well choose pink wellies again in the future. He really really REALLY wants a pink transformer. He isn't gender non-conforming that we know, but it wouldn't surprise me if that was part of his story later on. What I don't want? For him to be teased because he likes pink. For him to win that prestigious rosette and be denied the pink one because that's the girls' one.

I've got a solution to this, but I don't know how well it's going to go down with the staff...

 Instead of "Formation Queen" and "Formation King", there could be (should be) "Formation Stars". Gender neutral. Still awesome.

It's early in the term (week 2) but so far there have only been "Formation Kings" and "Formation Queens" and then, they always appear together as a hetero duo. I've not yet seen two "Formation Queens" or two "Formation Kings". This is also troubling, because now it's not just gender stereotyping going on, it's relationship stereotyping.

We've got a "Meet the Teacher" session later this month. That's gonna be interesting.

Good People

Most people think of themselves as good people. Good people are kind, tolerant, loving, and accepting. When something happens in the lives of these people that makes them realise that actually, they’re not quite as tolerant as they thought, or not quite as accepting, this can make them hurt. That’s because they are now questioning whether they are still a good person. This is called cognitive dissonance.

Sometimes, people will decide that they are still good, and that what happened isn’t real or doesn’t affect them – this eliminates the cause of the dissonance. They go about their business thinking “I am a good person” over and over in their heads, and the level of determination they are employing to maintain the façade of what society expects a good person to look like can leave them feeling tired, exhausted even. This pretence can go on for years. They tell themselves they are a good person so often and so frequently that they start believing it again, even though they’ve not truly accepted the course of events that precipitated the mantra. They never will be the person they think themselves to be, as long as they refuse to confront the inherent dissonance inside.

Sometimes, people realise that they are still good, and that though what has happened has shaken their self-perception, they decide they will overcome that and rise above. They recognise that what happened is very real and will affect them, and they quietly make the movements needed to incorporate this new facet of life into their own. This takes time, and it takes a lot of emotional energy to accomplish. During their own changes, they may appear to be quiet or withdrawn and may appear to not embrace the change. This isn’t due to lack of acceptance, this is due to them taking things at their own pace.

Parents in particular can feel burned as a result of a child’s actions. They ask themselves what they did wrong to raise a child who is this way. They believe that the actions of their child reflect upon how they raised them. This happens when the parent perceives the actions of the child as being abnormal, unacceptable, or wrong.

In terms of coming out, it is the parent’s reaction to the child that is most telling. If a parent feels guilt, shame, or like they raised their child wrong… that tells you they believe that being anything other than straight and cis-gendered is abnormal, unacceptable, or wrong. If they refuse to acknowledge the child’s wishes, that tells you they are attempting to resolve their cognitive dissonance in a way that maintains their façade of being a good person but at the expense of the child. Hiding behind the curtain of not understanding whilst not acknowledging or communicating with their child is both hurtful and obvious, and in many cases, sadly expected. If a parent feels shock and even confusion but without the guilt and shame, this is an indication that they are the type who will rise above their feelings and whole-heartedly accept the changes, in time.

If you haven’t the type of parent who is immediately and unconditionally accepting, maybe due to generational differences or perhaps because of their own upbringing, you might have a parent like I’ve described above. Only you can tell which role your parent fits, and only you can decide how to move on from that. It may be that some parents will never truly be accepting of the new you. It is up to you to decide if that is a make-or-break factor in your relationship. It may be that some parents will just need time to get used to the idea. Only you will be able to tell. You know them best, after all.


Good luck.

How do I feel?

I shared my new chosen name to my family yesterday.

I told them how to pronounce it, I told them how to pronounce my title. They already know how to pronounce "they" and "them" so pronouns shouldn't be an issue.

Nobody had a particularly enthusiastic response. I'm yet to hear anything more than "Read it" from my dad and step-mom, and I've had not a single word of even confirmation from my mom and my brother. Husband seems ambivalent.

Way to make someone feel accepted.

I've had friends that I've told be more communicative, supportive and accepting.

I guess this is why the LGBTQ+ community celebrates Pride. Because we have to feel that we matter. It's more than just a case of self-worth, it's a case of HAI I'M EXISTING HERE.

I know it takes time to get used to a change like this, but if you're determined that you will get used to it and accept it, then there's a phrase you should adopt in the meantime: fake it til you make it.

How do I feel? It doesn't seem to matter. But I do. I do feel.

Little Things

I'm newly struck, every day, by the power of little things. The memory of little things.

Little things like... I no longer feel like I have to defend my preference for carrying a wallet, rather than a purse. Or why I've never really been comfortable with the idea of a "handbag". Or why you rarely see me with jewellery. Why I was offended at the idea of being bought a half-pint because it wasn't considered ladylike to have a pint. Little things like seeing my Tesco receipt in the name of Mx C Woodward, and the huge smile that receipt caused.

I'm unapologetic, full stop. I'm not going to apologise for the administrative cost of changing someone else's definition of me. Instead of the (very British) "Oh, sorry, but, uh [insert excuse here]" I'm instead saying "Actually, I'm changing my name, and you might need to change this, too" and I feel stronger each time.

I no longer feel like I'm constantly apologising for taking up space.

You'll have heard that last line from larger ladies who have come to accept their plus-sized bodies. I only started to feel it properly after accepting that I didn't have to think of myself as a plus-sized female, or as being female in any way.

In therapy, there's always a lot of talk about self-acceptance and self-love. I was never able to achieve either of these at the time or even retrospectively because I was never comfortable in my own body. Now I've removed the gender factor, I've started to truly accept myself and think of myself kindly, even. Little things like that. They can have such a big impact.

The damage wrought by living in an uncomfortable shell is starting to heal even over the few short days since I came out as genderfluid/nonbinary. I'm looking forward to where this will take me.

Red Tape

And here we go again.

According to the law, I don't have to do anything to change my name other than to start using it (provided I do so in a way that isn't fraudulent). I'm using the handle "Chippy" at the moment because people need a name, don't they. I thought it might make it easier in an official capacity to change my name down to the letter "C" - that way my official documentation isn't wrong, it just isn't exactly accurate. The more I look into it, the more complex the road seems. I'm writing a letter that will serve as official notice/evidence, and I've a link to a free Deed Poll service to use in case things get really hairy and there is no other option.

Seems like the romantic notion of "a rose by any other name..." is just a notion for some organisations.

I've changed my name before. When I got married, when I got divorced, when I got married again. I've never changed how my gender appears, however, and I bet you that this is the step that most people will find painful to accommodate. From binary options on webforms and data systems to a lack of title options that make me jealous of those with Ph.D.s who can legit use the prefix "Doctor", there are some definite stumbling blocks in my way.

Ones I've already encountered: Blizzard. Good old Blizz won't let me change my name without "official" documentation, despite the common law in the US stating it's not needed. I'm going to give this one last shot by submitting a formally worded, signed doc to them, because at the moment every time I log in, those on my friends list get their screens taken over by all four of my names. Facebook. The Zucky thing about this one is that other people have made-up names or pseudonyms but when I looked to change my name to "C", it wasn't allowed. The shortest name you can legally have in the UK is a single letter. Again, a US based company which you'd think would follow common law. Screw that, I made a second Facebook account with one of my nicknames and lo, I did not have to provide official documentation to do so! PayPal also want "official" documentation. Ugh.

Those who are far more helpful include Tesco (yay!) eBay (yay!) and Amazon. Thanks guys :)

I'm anticipating trouble with the usual suspects, ie, the DVLA, HMRC.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

The great thing about labels is you can replace them with new ones.

I had a crisis of sexuality when I was around 15/16. I remember sitting in the living room of my BFF's flat, seriously asking myself if I preferred boys or girls. I came to the conclusion that actually, both had their good points and bad points, that I liked both, and that I'd like to try relationships with both. At the time, that was a huge shift in my personality, because before I'd just been the oddball who'd never even been kissed before. My label went from Default:Heterosexual to Bisexual that day, and I still identify more or less in that manner, because it honestly doesn't matter to me what's between a person's legs. What's between their ears, what's in their heart... that is what matters. If we're gonna be pedantic, I guess the term Pansexual is most accurate. Physical attraction is way down the list for me. Mental attraction is where it's at.

If the option for gender fluidity had been floated at that time, I think I would have fit quite happily into the non-binary category, too. My later adolescence would have been rather different. Instead of feeling like I had to dress up like some kind of girl in order to attract literally anyone, I could have oh so very happily rocked up to the pub in a t-shirt and jeans, trainers and short hair and not been at all bothered by the discomfort caused by high heels, teeny hemlines and the pressure to fulfil a certain stereotype. But who are we kidding, this was 1997 in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere, Scotland.

Since then I've had discernible waves of femininity where I'll buy and then actually use this stuff called "makeup" and run a noted preference for floaty fabrics and feminine cuts. It never lasts long. I have had longer periods where I'm in the same pair of jeans until they wear through, or the same pair of jeggings (I have a rotating wardrobe of 5 pairs in the exact same style, 3 different colourways). I'll switch from fitted t-shirts to men's XXL ones. I'll wear my husband's shirts, hoodies. I'll shop in the men's sections because they have funnier t-shirts that aren't covered in sexist shite, pompously over-hyped feminist shite or contrived platitudes. Deadpool FTW! Star Wars? Yes please. You can't find those designs on women's clothing so I don't even bother looking.

Since divorcing my emotions from my physical appearance, I've felt less and less feminine. Less female. Not less of a person, not by any stretch. I'm just not clinging to an old script anymore. I have an IUD so I no longer suffer from periods (GET IN!) and I still have a basic aesthetic, I like my hair to look and feel nice, I won't bare my legs unless they're in heavy tights or have had the fur shorn from them. I don't do jewellery and I've been wearing unisex glasses for well over a decade. But I no longer particularly care about femininity. I wear bras for practical reasons, and I choose the brightly coloured ones or the ones with a nice texture because that appeals to me. I never match my bra to my underwear, hell you're lucky my socks match. I was wearing wedge heels for about a year solid, until they aggravated my Achilles tendon. I wasn't wearing them because they were girl's shoes, I was wearing them because I liked being 3" taller. If you can find me a nice pair of Sketchers that will add height without looking like a Spice Girls revival accessory, I'm interested.

My kids get gender pronouns mixed up all the time. Sometimes I don't think I'm helping though. When they ask: "Mommy, are you a girl or a boy?" and I reply with "Meh, sometimes I can be both" I don't think it's the answer they're looking for. They never push for a definitive answer though, they accept what I say and they're happy with that. Oh to be 4 and not have to run the gamut of preconceived gender idealism.

I find myself idly Googling gender neutrality, non-binary, other such indeterminate phraseology. I look for similarity, I look for funny t-shirts. I don't need to look for people who feel the same, I've now lived enough to not need to validate my existence. If I find a community, well... meh. I suck at socialising anyway.

I fill in forms and I hesitate at the boxes with M and F beside them. I'm happily married, but go by Ms rather than Mrs. I baulk at people who insist I follow a feminine path because of the contents of my underwear. I'm starting to use my given first name less and less because it just looks... odd, it sounds odd when I say or spell it. I know a lot of people might find this kind of thinking to be frightening or unfamiliar, but for me it just feels like it ought to. I've no wish to transition to the other end of the gender spectrum, or to cast off what designates my body as female, but I'm in no rush to use it to define who I am.

"I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses."