Casual gender stereotyping leads to casual sexism.

And it starts at age 4 and a half, sometimes younger, in our schools and pre-schools.

In my son's Primary School, they are awarded rosettes for good work in forming letters and numbers. All well and good, right? There's a pink one for the girls, labelled "Formation Queen" and a blue one for boys labelled "Formation King". Hmmmm.

My son LOVES the colour pink. He had pink wellies for 6 months and might well choose pink wellies again in the future. He really really REALLY wants a pink transformer. He isn't gender non-conforming that we know, but it wouldn't surprise me if that was part of his story later on. What I don't want? For him to be teased because he likes pink. For him to win that prestigious rosette and be denied the pink one because that's the girls' one.

I've got a solution to this, but I don't know how well it's going to go down with the staff...

 Instead of "Formation Queen" and "Formation King", there could be (should be) "Formation Stars". Gender neutral. Still awesome.

It's early in the term (week 2) but so far there have only been "Formation Kings" and "Formation Queens" and then, they always appear together as a hetero duo. I've not yet seen two "Formation Queens" or two "Formation Kings". This is also troubling, because now it's not just gender stereotyping going on, it's relationship stereotyping.

We've got a "Meet the Teacher" session later this month. That's gonna be interesting.

Good People

Most people think of themselves as good people. Good people are kind, tolerant, loving, and accepting. When something happens in the lives of these people that makes them realise that actually, they’re not quite as tolerant as they thought, or not quite as accepting, this can make them hurt. That’s because they are now questioning whether they are still a good person. This is called cognitive dissonance.

Sometimes, people will decide that they are still good, and that what happened isn’t real or doesn’t affect them – this eliminates the cause of the dissonance. They go about their business thinking “I am a good person” over and over in their heads, and the level of determination they are employing to maintain the façade of what society expects a good person to look like can leave them feeling tired, exhausted even. This pretence can go on for years. They tell themselves they are a good person so often and so frequently that they start believing it again, even though they’ve not truly accepted the course of events that precipitated the mantra. They never will be the person they think themselves to be, as long as they refuse to confront the inherent dissonance inside.

Sometimes, people realise that they are still good, and that though what has happened has shaken their self-perception, they decide they will overcome that and rise above. They recognise that what happened is very real and will affect them, and they quietly make the movements needed to incorporate this new facet of life into their own. This takes time, and it takes a lot of emotional energy to accomplish. During their own changes, they may appear to be quiet or withdrawn and may appear to not embrace the change. This isn’t due to lack of acceptance, this is due to them taking things at their own pace.

Parents in particular can feel burned as a result of a child’s actions. They ask themselves what they did wrong to raise a child who is this way. They believe that the actions of their child reflect upon how they raised them. This happens when the parent perceives the actions of the child as being abnormal, unacceptable, or wrong.

In terms of coming out, it is the parent’s reaction to the child that is most telling. If a parent feels guilt, shame, or like they raised their child wrong… that tells you they believe that being anything other than straight and cis-gendered is abnormal, unacceptable, or wrong. If they refuse to acknowledge the child’s wishes, that tells you they are attempting to resolve their cognitive dissonance in a way that maintains their façade of being a good person but at the expense of the child. Hiding behind the curtain of not understanding whilst not acknowledging or communicating with their child is both hurtful and obvious, and in many cases, sadly expected. If a parent feels shock and even confusion but without the guilt and shame, this is an indication that they are the type who will rise above their feelings and whole-heartedly accept the changes, in time.

If you haven’t the type of parent who is immediately and unconditionally accepting, maybe due to generational differences or perhaps because of their own upbringing, you might have a parent like I’ve described above. Only you can tell which role your parent fits, and only you can decide how to move on from that. It may be that some parents will never truly be accepting of the new you. It is up to you to decide if that is a make-or-break factor in your relationship. It may be that some parents will just need time to get used to the idea. Only you will be able to tell. You know them best, after all.


Good luck.

How do I feel?

I shared my new chosen name to my family yesterday.

I told them how to pronounce it, I told them how to pronounce my title. They already know how to pronounce "they" and "them" so pronouns shouldn't be an issue.

Nobody had a particularly enthusiastic response. I'm yet to hear anything more than "Read it" from my dad and step-mom, and I've had not a single word of even confirmation from my mom and my brother. Husband seems ambivalent.

Way to make someone feel accepted.

I've had friends that I've told be more communicative, supportive and accepting.

I guess this is why the LGBTQ+ community celebrates Pride. Because we have to feel that we matter. It's more than just a case of self-worth, it's a case of HAI I'M EXISTING HERE.

I know it takes time to get used to a change like this, but if you're determined that you will get used to it and accept it, then there's a phrase you should adopt in the meantime: fake it til you make it.

How do I feel? It doesn't seem to matter. But I do. I do feel.

Little Things

I'm newly struck, every day, by the power of little things. The memory of little things.

Little things like... I no longer feel like I have to defend my preference for carrying a wallet, rather than a purse. Or why I've never really been comfortable with the idea of a "handbag". Or why you rarely see me with jewellery. Why I was offended at the idea of being bought a half-pint because it wasn't considered ladylike to have a pint. Little things like seeing my Tesco receipt in the name of Mx C Woodward, and the huge smile that receipt caused.

I'm unapologetic, full stop. I'm not going to apologise for the administrative cost of changing someone else's definition of me. Instead of the (very British) "Oh, sorry, but, uh [insert excuse here]" I'm instead saying "Actually, I'm changing my name, and you might need to change this, too" and I feel stronger each time.

I no longer feel like I'm constantly apologising for taking up space.

You'll have heard that last line from larger ladies who have come to accept their plus-sized bodies. I only started to feel it properly after accepting that I didn't have to think of myself as a plus-sized female, or as being female in any way.

In therapy, there's always a lot of talk about self-acceptance and self-love. I was never able to achieve either of these at the time or even retrospectively because I was never comfortable in my own body. Now I've removed the gender factor, I've started to truly accept myself and think of myself kindly, even. Little things like that. They can have such a big impact.

The damage wrought by living in an uncomfortable shell is starting to heal even over the few short days since I came out as genderfluid/nonbinary. I'm looking forward to where this will take me.