How do I feel?

I shared my new chosen name to my family yesterday.

I told them how to pronounce it, I told them how to pronounce my title. They already know how to pronounce "they" and "them" so pronouns shouldn't be an issue.

Nobody had a particularly enthusiastic response. I'm yet to hear anything more than "Read it" from my dad and step-mom, and I've had not a single word of even confirmation from my mom and my brother. Husband seems ambivalent.

Way to make someone feel accepted.

I've had friends that I've told be more communicative, supportive and accepting.

I guess this is why the LGBTQ+ community celebrates Pride. Because we have to feel that we matter. It's more than just a case of self-worth, it's a case of HAI I'M EXISTING HERE.

I know it takes time to get used to a change like this, but if you're determined that you will get used to it and accept it, then there's a phrase you should adopt in the meantime: fake it til you make it.

How do I feel? It doesn't seem to matter. But I do. I do feel.

Little Things

I'm newly struck, every day, by the power of little things. The memory of little things.

Little things like... I no longer feel like I have to defend my preference for carrying a wallet, rather than a purse. Or why I've never really been comfortable with the idea of a "handbag". Or why you rarely see me with jewellery. Why I was offended at the idea of being bought a half-pint because it wasn't considered ladylike to have a pint. Little things like seeing my Tesco receipt in the name of Mx C Woodward, and the huge smile that receipt caused.

I'm unapologetic, full stop. I'm not going to apologise for the administrative cost of changing someone else's definition of me. Instead of the (very British) "Oh, sorry, but, uh [insert excuse here]" I'm instead saying "Actually, I'm changing my name, and you might need to change this, too" and I feel stronger each time.

I no longer feel like I'm constantly apologising for taking up space.

You'll have heard that last line from larger ladies who have come to accept their plus-sized bodies. I only started to feel it properly after accepting that I didn't have to think of myself as a plus-sized female, or as being female in any way.

In therapy, there's always a lot of talk about self-acceptance and self-love. I was never able to achieve either of these at the time or even retrospectively because I was never comfortable in my own body. Now I've removed the gender factor, I've started to truly accept myself and think of myself kindly, even. Little things like that. They can have such a big impact.

The damage wrought by living in an uncomfortable shell is starting to heal even over the few short days since I came out as genderfluid/nonbinary. I'm looking forward to where this will take me.

Red Tape

And here we go again.

According to the law, I don't have to do anything to change my name other than to start using it (provided I do so in a way that isn't fraudulent). I'm using the handle "Chippy" at the moment because people need a name, don't they. I thought it might make it easier in an official capacity to change my name down to the letter "C" - that way my official documentation isn't wrong, it just isn't exactly accurate. The more I look into it, the more complex the road seems. I'm writing a letter that will serve as official notice/evidence, and I've a link to a free Deed Poll service to use in case things get really hairy and there is no other option.

Seems like the romantic notion of "a rose by any other name..." is just a notion for some organisations.

I've changed my name before. When I got married, when I got divorced, when I got married again. I've never changed how my gender appears, however, and I bet you that this is the step that most people will find painful to accommodate. From binary options on webforms and data systems to a lack of title options that make me jealous of those with Ph.D.s who can legit use the prefix "Doctor", there are some definite stumbling blocks in my way.

Ones I've already encountered: Blizzard. Good old Blizz won't let me change my name without "official" documentation, despite the common law in the US stating it's not needed. I'm going to give this one last shot by submitting a formally worded, signed doc to them, because at the moment every time I log in, those on my friends list get their screens taken over by all four of my names. Facebook. The Zucky thing about this one is that other people have made-up names or pseudonyms but when I looked to change my name to "C", it wasn't allowed. The shortest name you can legally have in the UK is a single letter. Again, a US based company which you'd think would follow common law. Screw that, I made a second Facebook account with one of my nicknames and lo, I did not have to provide official documentation to do so! PayPal also want "official" documentation. Ugh.

Those who are far more helpful include Tesco (yay!) eBay (yay!) and Amazon. Thanks guys :)

I'm anticipating trouble with the usual suspects, ie, the DVLA, HMRC.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

The great thing about labels is you can replace them with new ones.

I had a crisis of sexuality when I was around 15/16. I remember sitting in the living room of my BFF's flat, seriously asking myself if I preferred boys or girls. I came to the conclusion that actually, both had their good points and bad points, that I liked both, and that I'd like to try relationships with both. At the time, that was a huge shift in my personality, because before I'd just been the oddball who'd never even been kissed before. My label went from Default:Heterosexual to Bisexual that day, and I still identify more or less in that manner, because it honestly doesn't matter to me what's between a person's legs. What's between their ears, what's in their heart... that is what matters. If we're gonna be pedantic, I guess the term Pansexual is most accurate. Physical attraction is way down the list for me. Mental attraction is where it's at.

If the option for gender fluidity had been floated at that time, I think I would have fit quite happily into the non-binary category, too. My later adolescence would have been rather different. Instead of feeling like I had to dress up like some kind of girl in order to attract literally anyone, I could have oh so very happily rocked up to the pub in a t-shirt and jeans, trainers and short hair and not been at all bothered by the discomfort caused by high heels, teeny hemlines and the pressure to fulfil a certain stereotype. But who are we kidding, this was 1997 in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere, Scotland.

Since then I've had discernible waves of femininity where I'll buy and then actually use this stuff called "makeup" and run a noted preference for floaty fabrics and feminine cuts. It never lasts long. I have had longer periods where I'm in the same pair of jeans until they wear through, or the same pair of jeggings (I have a rotating wardrobe of 5 pairs in the exact same style, 3 different colourways). I'll switch from fitted t-shirts to men's XXL ones. I'll wear my husband's shirts, hoodies. I'll shop in the men's sections because they have funnier t-shirts that aren't covered in sexist shite, pompously over-hyped feminist shite or contrived platitudes. Deadpool FTW! Star Wars? Yes please. You can't find those designs on women's clothing so I don't even bother looking.

Since divorcing my emotions from my physical appearance, I've felt less and less feminine. Less female. Not less of a person, not by any stretch. I'm just not clinging to an old script anymore. I have an IUD so I no longer suffer from periods (GET IN!) and I still have a basic aesthetic, I like my hair to look and feel nice, I won't bare my legs unless they're in heavy tights or have had the fur shorn from them. I don't do jewellery and I've been wearing unisex glasses for well over a decade. But I no longer particularly care about femininity. I wear bras for practical reasons, and I choose the brightly coloured ones or the ones with a nice texture because that appeals to me. I never match my bra to my underwear, hell you're lucky my socks match. I was wearing wedge heels for about a year solid, until they aggravated my Achilles tendon. I wasn't wearing them because they were girl's shoes, I was wearing them because I liked being 3" taller. If you can find me a nice pair of Sketchers that will add height without looking like a Spice Girls revival accessory, I'm interested.

My kids get gender pronouns mixed up all the time. Sometimes I don't think I'm helping though. When they ask: "Mommy, are you a girl or a boy?" and I reply with "Meh, sometimes I can be both" I don't think it's the answer they're looking for. They never push for a definitive answer though, they accept what I say and they're happy with that. Oh to be 4 and not have to run the gamut of preconceived gender idealism.

I find myself idly Googling gender neutrality, non-binary, other such indeterminate phraseology. I look for similarity, I look for funny t-shirts. I don't need to look for people who feel the same, I've now lived enough to not need to validate my existence. If I find a community, well... meh. I suck at socialising anyway.

I fill in forms and I hesitate at the boxes with M and F beside them. I'm happily married, but go by Ms rather than Mrs. I baulk at people who insist I follow a feminine path because of the contents of my underwear. I'm starting to use my given first name less and less because it just looks... odd, it sounds odd when I say or spell it. I know a lot of people might find this kind of thinking to be frightening or unfamiliar, but for me it just feels like it ought to. I've no wish to transition to the other end of the gender spectrum, or to cast off what designates my body as female, but I'm in no rush to use it to define who I am.

"I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses."