Today I had my first proper this-is-because-I'm-autistic meltdown. Oh sure, I've had what in hindsight would be classed as autistic meltdowns before, but back then it was pushed aside as "being difficult", or "pre-menstrual" or because I was depressed with high anxiety, because I was Borderline and had anger issues. Today was different because I felt it escalating, I knew it was a disproportionate reaction, but at the same time I couldn't immediately pull myself out... I was crying hysterically, wailing, utterly inconsolable... and why?
Because I have to learn how to work an expensive printer.
More specifically; I have to learn how to work an expensive printer, using a Mac (when I'm strictly a Windows gal) to access said printer, in a room I've never been in which is chocka-block with classes, and not knowing if the printer will be able to handle the job I'm setting it as there's a lot of black ink used, and I've to get the job all done by the time the college breaks for Easter and the schedule I looked up online isn't that clear on when that is so suddenly TIME is of the essence here and I need to learn this shit quick, but I also have a tax return to do, be part of remortgaging the house, see my shrink and have a tutorial with a lecturer so it can't be done this week which leaves next week which is a week closer to the ambiguously dated holidays and OMG it just spirals further inward until you can barely breathe and suddenly it's all emotion and no rational thought, you saw it coming and you knew it was getting too much but suddenly it was WAY too much and you can't reign it in for 3/4 of an hour at which point you can think rationally again but you still feel anxious and nervous about learning to work a feckin' printer.
And breathe...
Knowing about the autism, I sought to find the best way to learn what I needed to learn so that I could be in and out quick and quiet. I looked online about learning styles for autism but there wasn't a lot out there for newly-diagnosed adults. It's mostly kid-centric. But there was a website that had a few things on it that I identified with, and it made me realise I have to learn to be a lot kinder to myself. I also saw a lot of Taylor on that site and hopefully I'll be kinder to him, too.
Examples:
"People with autism have trouble with organizational skills, regardless of their intelligence and/or age...He is most likely incapable of this organizational task [keeping a tidy desk] without specific training."
This extends to tidiness in the home, too.
"Avoid asking vague questions...Avoid asking essay-type questions."
Because I get lost within the question if it isn't specific or if it is too long.
"An increase in unusual or difficult behaviors probably indicates an increase in stress."
Such as shouting/yelling at your small children, outbursts of anger or tears, neglecting the physical self.
"If the student does not seem to be learning a task, break it down into smaller steps or present the task in several ways (e.g., visually, verbally, physically)."
I cannot count the number of times I've needed an alternative format to learn something. It took me the best part of 3 years, 4 different cars and 2 different driving schools to finally pass my practical driving test, for example.
"Use shorter sentences if you perceive that the student is not fully understanding you. Although he probably has no hearing problem and may be paying attention, he may have difficulty understanding your main point and identifying important information."
And let's not forget the importance of retaining information, which is also an issue here.
"Normal levels of auditory and visual input can be perceived by the student as too much or too little."
Normal levels of ANY input can be overwhelming for me.
"If your class involves pairing off or choosing partners, either draw numbers or use some other arbitrary means of pairing...The student with autism is most often the individual left with no partner."
This happened a LOT all throughout school. I masked this trait by learning to work as effectively as possible on my own, and to this day I will opt to do a big project on my own rather than collaborate because I don't have the collaborative experience to refer to, I don't know how to act.
"Uneven skills development is a hallmark of autism."
Oh you betcha. I'm a pretty smart cookie, I test fairly well as far as Mensa are concerned - though I do have trouble with some questions that seem to have multiple correct answers. Anyway, yeah. I've a decent skill set, but transferable skills are only theoretical. Just because I can do X in Y situations doesn't mean I can extrapolate to doing something similar to X in Z situations.
Now, if I'd known about the autism as a child, I might have developed coping mechanisms rather than masking abilities. I might have grown up being a lot less harsh on myself. I might have learned to take less shit from those who sought to demean me. A lot of what I grew up with that was characterised as a character flaw, laziness, being difficult, being mentally ill... a lot of that was the autism.
So learning now to differentiate between actual autistic traits and other personality traits or idiosyncrasies so that I can better deal with things... that's kinda important. And it's feckin' difficult. For a start, there's a lot of overlap beween symptoms of ASD and BPD, especially as the disorders concern women. It would have been so much easier to learn this shit from the ground up so that I knew what was what and how to handle it.
And that is why an autism diagnosis as an adult is hard. Yes, it answers a LOT of questions about the little weirdo you were as a child, about the awkward and somewhat reclusive teen you grew into before becoming the mixed-up adult you are today... but it also presents you with a host of challenges going forward. Trying to differentiate between what is the autism and what is the rest, so that you can work your way forward in life. That's a biggie.
For me, I have a very short, explosive temper which I'm currently medicated for. I also have meltdowns of one sort or another when exposed to something new that requires my involvement during times of enhanced stress. There is also the unfortunate situation whereby the kids are a source of such enhanced stress.
Many challenges.
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