I've got another meltdown coming in the next week or so. This is because I've got to submit my Company Tax Returns for the business I wrapped up last year. Before the printer meltdown I had another one in December, when I had to do my personal tax return. So this is coming, I know it's coming, and I've been trying my best to avoid it until the last minute because it foxes me each and every time and I stupidly think maybe it will have become easier over time. You know, if I leave it and ignore it.
Well, that didn't work last year and I got a £100 fine. I managed to get the return done before the next £100 fine was due, but it was a horrible, horrible time. And this time it's no different. Despite having the User ID and corresponding password written on the very letter informing me of my duty to do a Company Tax Return, I cannot access for the life of me that section of the HMRC website. Tried different things in different ways and it just tells me I'm already registered to use that service... on another ID and to please use THAT one. Just - what - shit - HELP!
And all I can think of is... you stupid fucking cow. Why did you do this in the first place? Well, that's a good question. I was paranoid that my loss-making hobby would be immediately pounced upon by HMRC if they found out I was accepting money for crocheted beasties. I was also very tired. I was breastfeeding in a dark room when I though "let's just register with HMRC and see where it goes." and I went and did it. Somehow, I managed to create a LTD company, no idea how that happened. But I went with it, and it looked like you'd pay less tax than being a sole trader anyway so I thought "hey, maybe it's a good thing after all." My inner cheerleader was urging me on, with assurances that my mental illness wouldn't impact on this, that HMRC keep saying that "tax doesn't have to be taxing" and you're a university graduate for chrissakes, surely you can do a tax return, shit like that.
Oh, how wrong was I. "Tax doesn't have to be taxing", maybe, but if you've a developmental disorder with executive dysfunction and no experience in tax law as opposed to a mental illness characterised by mood swings and a temper, then tax is indeed VERY taxing, if not nigh on impossible.
I keep thinking to myself that if I were aware of all the facts that I would never have gone self-employed. And I kick myself because of how disparaging it sounds when I boil it down to the simplest terms... "If I'd known that I had ASD, I wouldn't have set up as self-employed." Told you it sounds disparaging. And there may be plenty of high functioning autists out there who run their own businesses. But for me, if I'd known how comparatively difficult the official side of it was going to be as a result of the ASD, I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I know my limits, and I know when something is difficult for me not because of a lack of smarts, but because of the ASD. I'm fairly proud of my intellect. I have a higher than average IQ. Higher than 99.89% of the population or something. Mental illness doesn't stop me from doing something on an intellectual level. Autism, however, makes it more difficult for me to learn, more difficult to process, more difficult to organise. This has the overall effect of making it seem like I am incapable of doing something fairly simple or easy (like learning how to use a printer, for example, or filling in a pared-down tax form).
Seems like every blog post recently is a pity party. It's not really, I'm just reflecting on the past, the present, the potential of the future and realising that everything is now subtly different because of the ASD. If I'm having issues with comprehension, I'm asking myself if it's a reasonable complaint - if it is then I accept and move on. If it's unreasonable, then I query if the ASD could be a part of the issue, and if so then how I can resolve it, given the difficulties that ASD presents me. The knowledge that came with the diagnosis is enabling me to get around the difficulties of the ASD itself. For the most part.
For the rest of it, I've got two more Company Tax Returns to do, and I think 2 more personal tax returns to do as well. Fuck this shit.
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