I've got another meltdown coming in the next week or so. This is because I've got to submit my Company Tax Returns for the business I wrapped up last year. Before the printer meltdown I had another one in December, when I had to do my personal tax return. So this is coming, I know it's coming, and I've been trying my best to avoid it until the last minute because it foxes me each and every time and I stupidly think maybe it will have become easier over time. You know, if I leave it and ignore it.
Well, that didn't work last year and I got a £100 fine. I managed to get the return done before the next £100 fine was due, but it was a horrible, horrible time. And this time it's no different. Despite having the User ID and corresponding password written on the very letter informing me of my duty to do a Company Tax Return, I cannot access for the life of me that section of the HMRC website. Tried different things in different ways and it just tells me I'm already registered to use that service... on another ID and to please use THAT one. Just - what - shit - HELP!
And all I can think of is... you stupid fucking cow. Why did you do this in the first place? Well, that's a good question. I was paranoid that my loss-making hobby would be immediately pounced upon by HMRC if they found out I was accepting money for crocheted beasties. I was also very tired. I was breastfeeding in a dark room when I though "let's just register with HMRC and see where it goes." and I went and did it. Somehow, I managed to create a LTD company, no idea how that happened. But I went with it, and it looked like you'd pay less tax than being a sole trader anyway so I thought "hey, maybe it's a good thing after all." My inner cheerleader was urging me on, with assurances that my mental illness wouldn't impact on this, that HMRC keep saying that "tax doesn't have to be taxing" and you're a university graduate for chrissakes, surely you can do a tax return, shit like that.
Oh, how wrong was I. "Tax doesn't have to be taxing", maybe, but if you've a developmental disorder with executive dysfunction and no experience in tax law as opposed to a mental illness characterised by mood swings and a temper, then tax is indeed VERY taxing, if not nigh on impossible.
I keep thinking to myself that if I were aware of all the facts that I would never have gone self-employed. And I kick myself because of how disparaging it sounds when I boil it down to the simplest terms... "If I'd known that I had ASD, I wouldn't have set up as self-employed." Told you it sounds disparaging. And there may be plenty of high functioning autists out there who run their own businesses. But for me, if I'd known how comparatively difficult the official side of it was going to be as a result of the ASD, I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I know my limits, and I know when something is difficult for me not because of a lack of smarts, but because of the ASD. I'm fairly proud of my intellect. I have a higher than average IQ. Higher than 99.89% of the population or something. Mental illness doesn't stop me from doing something on an intellectual level. Autism, however, makes it more difficult for me to learn, more difficult to process, more difficult to organise. This has the overall effect of making it seem like I am incapable of doing something fairly simple or easy (like learning how to use a printer, for example, or filling in a pared-down tax form).
Seems like every blog post recently is a pity party. It's not really, I'm just reflecting on the past, the present, the potential of the future and realising that everything is now subtly different because of the ASD. If I'm having issues with comprehension, I'm asking myself if it's a reasonable complaint - if it is then I accept and move on. If it's unreasonable, then I query if the ASD could be a part of the issue, and if so then how I can resolve it, given the difficulties that ASD presents me. The knowledge that came with the diagnosis is enabling me to get around the difficulties of the ASD itself. For the most part.
For the rest of it, I've got two more Company Tax Returns to do, and I think 2 more personal tax returns to do as well. Fuck this shit.
Sunday 26 March 2017
Friday 24 March 2017
So here's a thing.
Every now and then I come across something that makes me really think about my many and varied diagnoses and how I'm different from "the norm". Today, a throwaway comment about my comprehension was the "something".
I have a lot of reading to do for this course and its various modules. Some of that reading is fairly straightforward but some is fairly...not.
Whilst there is a push for us as artists to simplify how we refer to and define our work, the opposite is going on with the information we are given and the reading surrounding it.
For example: "My work engages the audience in a new way of encountering art in society...a mutual understanding, an interaction between people – similar to the dynamic image of the homeostat where all the parts of the network are equal and equally linked..." or "Dialogical work allows the conception of the artwork to consciously be mediated through the relationship between the artist, the audience, and the context."
Now, if you immediately create an image in your head of what that means, then great. If you kinda get the gist but think the author is a pretentious thesaurus-swallowing cockwomble, then you might well be right...and well done for deriving the gestalt. If you're like me... you know what the individual words mean. You know the context in which they are used. But that's where it stops. The quote makes no sense. What I have to do is to break this shit down, sentence by sentence, picking between the commas, and reducing what I find to the simplest possible denominator: synonyms I'm familiar with, picking apart the grammar to see what can be removed to make the sentence flow better. Once I've done that for every ounce of OTT writing, I am able to read through it and get the gist of what the author is putting out there.
And that's kinda expected for University level reading. What's not expected is that I have to do this every day with non-University level reading. I have to do it with what I hear, too, because that's how my brain works.
I have a lot of reading to do for this course and its various modules. Some of that reading is fairly straightforward but some is fairly...not.
Whilst there is a push for us as artists to simplify how we refer to and define our work, the opposite is going on with the information we are given and the reading surrounding it.
For example: "My work engages the audience in a new way of encountering art in society...a mutual understanding, an interaction between people – similar to the dynamic image of the homeostat where all the parts of the network are equal and equally linked..." or "Dialogical work allows the conception of the artwork to consciously be mediated through the relationship between the artist, the audience, and the context."
Now, if you immediately create an image in your head of what that means, then great. If you kinda get the gist but think the author is a pretentious thesaurus-swallowing cockwomble, then you might well be right...and well done for deriving the gestalt. If you're like me... you know what the individual words mean. You know the context in which they are used. But that's where it stops. The quote makes no sense. What I have to do is to break this shit down, sentence by sentence, picking between the commas, and reducing what I find to the simplest possible denominator: synonyms I'm familiar with, picking apart the grammar to see what can be removed to make the sentence flow better. Once I've done that for every ounce of OTT writing, I am able to read through it and get the gist of what the author is putting out there.
And that's kinda expected for University level reading. What's not expected is that I have to do this every day with non-University level reading. I have to do it with what I hear, too, because that's how my brain works.
If what you say or what you have written is too long, too pretentious, too complicated or unfamiliar - it does not compute. I've learned over time to start paraphrasing in my head during conversations... it's one reason I sometimes struggle to keep up if the topic is particularly deep or unfamiliar. It's why I struggle to take in auditory input whilst writing. Why I struggle to think if the bloody TV is on. And I do exactly the same when I read. Think of it like a child who is just learning their words reading a sentence and having to spell out the word before being able to pronounce it... but scaled up - whole sentences, paragraphs. Conversations in real time.
Expectations from those around you that you'll keep up, because they are.
Do you know how much energy that takes? How much concentration? Do you know how difficult it is? Any idea at all how frustrating it is to forget the start of a conversation by the time you get to the end of it because the words got lost in the simplification process...? Or because more than one person was talking so your internal narrative gets scrambled because it doesn't know which words to condense? Or to have to re-read what you write from the start each time so it makes sense? And it is also - just for good measure - extremely upsetting to realise that you struggle with this shit even though you're a fairly smart cookie. Smart cookies should be capable of This, That, T'other. The other smart cookies certainly are.
Information might be "a lot to take in" for you. It's more than that for me, it's "a lot to take in" then "a lot to condense and translate" then "more to take in". Don't assume that because I'm doing well enough and getting the right answers that this is easy for me - quite the opposite. I have a great deal of stress and anxiety because of this. It generates tension headaches. It can precipitate a full-blown meltdown because of I-JUST-CAN'T-UNDERSTAND shit that other people understand just fine!
I mean, add that lot to a somewhat lacking social skill set and you get the "something" that happened today:
I thought I was being genuinely helpful by doing my "sentence re-comprehension" thing live and not just keeping it in my head, but in reality I was probably answering a rhetorical question and by providing an actual answer where none was expected I came off as being a know-it-all attempting to dumb things down for the peasants, and I was told in no uncertain terms (and in a certain tone, it has to be noted) after the lecture that it seemed like I had no issues with comprehension of the materials.
(And it was only in writing this epic rant that I realised the rhetorical question thing. Up until that point I just thought she was being a judgemental so-and-so who assumed I was lying or attention-seeking.)
So naturally, I'm revisiting every similar experience I can remember from Primary and Secondary school, University and College and feeling a bit shite that, only NOW am I seeing this for what it is. And I just wonder, if I'd known then that it was just that my brain works differently, would things have worked out differently? If other people then knew that I had Asperger's, would they have maybe not said or did what they did? There's always the possibility it could have been worse. Kids are cruel, after all. And cruel kids grow up to be assholes.
I guess all I can do going forward is to use this knowledge to make things easier for me, and try not to be pissed at people (including myself) if they don't remember I have Asperger's.
Expectations from those around you that you'll keep up, because they are.
Do you know how much energy that takes? How much concentration? Do you know how difficult it is? Any idea at all how frustrating it is to forget the start of a conversation by the time you get to the end of it because the words got lost in the simplification process...? Or because more than one person was talking so your internal narrative gets scrambled because it doesn't know which words to condense? Or to have to re-read what you write from the start each time so it makes sense? And it is also - just for good measure - extremely upsetting to realise that you struggle with this shit even though you're a fairly smart cookie. Smart cookies should be capable of This, That, T'other. The other smart cookies certainly are.
Information might be "a lot to take in" for you. It's more than that for me, it's "a lot to take in" then "a lot to condense and translate" then "more to take in". Don't assume that because I'm doing well enough and getting the right answers that this is easy for me - quite the opposite. I have a great deal of stress and anxiety because of this. It generates tension headaches. It can precipitate a full-blown meltdown because of I-JUST-CAN'T-UNDERSTAND shit that other people understand just fine!
I mean, add that lot to a somewhat lacking social skill set and you get the "something" that happened today:
I thought I was being genuinely helpful by doing my "sentence re-comprehension" thing live and not just keeping it in my head, but in reality I was probably answering a rhetorical question and by providing an actual answer where none was expected I came off as being a know-it-all attempting to dumb things down for the peasants, and I was told in no uncertain terms (and in a certain tone, it has to be noted) after the lecture that it seemed like I had no issues with comprehension of the materials.
(And it was only in writing this epic rant that I realised the rhetorical question thing. Up until that point I just thought she was being a judgemental so-and-so who assumed I was lying or attention-seeking.)
So naturally, I'm revisiting every similar experience I can remember from Primary and Secondary school, University and College and feeling a bit shite that, only NOW am I seeing this for what it is. And I just wonder, if I'd known then that it was just that my brain works differently, would things have worked out differently? If other people then knew that I had Asperger's, would they have maybe not said or did what they did? There's always the possibility it could have been worse. Kids are cruel, after all. And cruel kids grow up to be assholes.
I guess all I can do going forward is to use this knowledge to make things easier for me, and try not to be pissed at people (including myself) if they don't remember I have Asperger's.
April is National Autism Month in the UK, April 2nd is World Autism Awareness Day 2017. Don't be an asshole.
Tuesday 21 March 2017
Why an Autism diagnosis as an adult is hard.
It's been about 10 months since I walked into my psychiatrist's office clutching a piece of paper with signs and symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome that pertained to me. 10 months since she agreed with me, yes, I have High Functioning Autism - because nomenclature changes and Asperger's (whilst descriptive) is no longer considered diagnostic.
Today I had my first proper this-is-because-I'm-autistic meltdown. Oh sure, I've had what in hindsight would be classed as autistic meltdowns before, but back then it was pushed aside as "being difficult", or "pre-menstrual" or because I was depressed with high anxiety, because I was Borderline and had anger issues. Today was different because I felt it escalating, I knew it was a disproportionate reaction, but at the same time I couldn't immediately pull myself out... I was crying hysterically, wailing, utterly inconsolable... and why?
Because I have to learn how to work an expensive printer.
More specifically; I have to learn how to work an expensive printer, using a Mac (when I'm strictly a Windows gal) to access said printer, in a room I've never been in which is chocka-block with classes, and not knowing if the printer will be able to handle the job I'm setting it as there's a lot of black ink used, and I've to get the job all done by the time the college breaks for Easter and the schedule I looked up online isn't that clear on when that is so suddenly TIME is of the essence here and I need to learn this shit quick, but I also have a tax return to do, be part of remortgaging the house, see my shrink and have a tutorial with a lecturer so it can't be done this week which leaves next week which is a week closer to the ambiguously dated holidays and OMG it just spirals further inward until you can barely breathe and suddenly it's all emotion and no rational thought, you saw it coming and you knew it was getting too much but suddenly it was WAY too much and you can't reign it in for 3/4 of an hour at which point you can think rationally again but you still feel anxious and nervous about learning to work a feckin' printer.
And breathe...
Knowing about the autism, I sought to find the best way to learn what I needed to learn so that I could be in and out quick and quiet. I looked online about learning styles for autism but there wasn't a lot out there for newly-diagnosed adults. It's mostly kid-centric. But there was a website that had a few things on it that I identified with, and it made me realise I have to learn to be a lot kinder to myself. I also saw a lot of Taylor on that site and hopefully I'll be kinder to him, too.
Examples:
"People with autism have trouble with organizational skills, regardless of their intelligence and/or age...He is most likely incapable of this organizational task [keeping a tidy desk] without specific training."
This extends to tidiness in the home, too.
"Avoid asking vague questions...Avoid asking essay-type questions."
Because I get lost within the question if it isn't specific or if it is too long.
"An increase in unusual or difficult behaviors probably indicates an increase in stress."
Such as shouting/yelling at your small children, outbursts of anger or tears, neglecting the physical self.
"If the student does not seem to be learning a task, break it down into smaller steps or present the task in several ways (e.g., visually, verbally, physically)."
I cannot count the number of times I've needed an alternative format to learn something. It took me the best part of 3 years, 4 different cars and 2 different driving schools to finally pass my practical driving test, for example.
"Use shorter sentences if you perceive that the student is not fully understanding you. Although he probably has no hearing problem and may be paying attention, he may have difficulty understanding your main point and identifying important information."
And let's not forget the importance of retaining information, which is also an issue here.
"Normal levels of auditory and visual input can be perceived by the student as too much or too little."
Normal levels of ANY input can be overwhelming for me.
"If your class involves pairing off or choosing partners, either draw numbers or use some other arbitrary means of pairing...The student with autism is most often the individual left with no partner."
This happened a LOT all throughout school. I masked this trait by learning to work as effectively as possible on my own, and to this day I will opt to do a big project on my own rather than collaborate because I don't have the collaborative experience to refer to, I don't know how to act.
"Uneven skills development is a hallmark of autism."
Oh you betcha. I'm a pretty smart cookie, I test fairly well as far as Mensa are concerned - though I do have trouble with some questions that seem to have multiple correct answers. Anyway, yeah. I've a decent skill set, but transferable skills are only theoretical. Just because I can do X in Y situations doesn't mean I can extrapolate to doing something similar to X in Z situations.
Today I had my first proper this-is-because-I'm-autistic meltdown. Oh sure, I've had what in hindsight would be classed as autistic meltdowns before, but back then it was pushed aside as "being difficult", or "pre-menstrual" or because I was depressed with high anxiety, because I was Borderline and had anger issues. Today was different because I felt it escalating, I knew it was a disproportionate reaction, but at the same time I couldn't immediately pull myself out... I was crying hysterically, wailing, utterly inconsolable... and why?
Because I have to learn how to work an expensive printer.
More specifically; I have to learn how to work an expensive printer, using a Mac (when I'm strictly a Windows gal) to access said printer, in a room I've never been in which is chocka-block with classes, and not knowing if the printer will be able to handle the job I'm setting it as there's a lot of black ink used, and I've to get the job all done by the time the college breaks for Easter and the schedule I looked up online isn't that clear on when that is so suddenly TIME is of the essence here and I need to learn this shit quick, but I also have a tax return to do, be part of remortgaging the house, see my shrink and have a tutorial with a lecturer so it can't be done this week which leaves next week which is a week closer to the ambiguously dated holidays and OMG it just spirals further inward until you can barely breathe and suddenly it's all emotion and no rational thought, you saw it coming and you knew it was getting too much but suddenly it was WAY too much and you can't reign it in for 3/4 of an hour at which point you can think rationally again but you still feel anxious and nervous about learning to work a feckin' printer.
And breathe...
Knowing about the autism, I sought to find the best way to learn what I needed to learn so that I could be in and out quick and quiet. I looked online about learning styles for autism but there wasn't a lot out there for newly-diagnosed adults. It's mostly kid-centric. But there was a website that had a few things on it that I identified with, and it made me realise I have to learn to be a lot kinder to myself. I also saw a lot of Taylor on that site and hopefully I'll be kinder to him, too.
Examples:
"People with autism have trouble with organizational skills, regardless of their intelligence and/or age...He is most likely incapable of this organizational task [keeping a tidy desk] without specific training."
This extends to tidiness in the home, too.
"Avoid asking vague questions...Avoid asking essay-type questions."
Because I get lost within the question if it isn't specific or if it is too long.
"An increase in unusual or difficult behaviors probably indicates an increase in stress."
Such as shouting/yelling at your small children, outbursts of anger or tears, neglecting the physical self.
"If the student does not seem to be learning a task, break it down into smaller steps or present the task in several ways (e.g., visually, verbally, physically)."
I cannot count the number of times I've needed an alternative format to learn something. It took me the best part of 3 years, 4 different cars and 2 different driving schools to finally pass my practical driving test, for example.
"Use shorter sentences if you perceive that the student is not fully understanding you. Although he probably has no hearing problem and may be paying attention, he may have difficulty understanding your main point and identifying important information."
And let's not forget the importance of retaining information, which is also an issue here.
"Normal levels of auditory and visual input can be perceived by the student as too much or too little."
Normal levels of ANY input can be overwhelming for me.
"If your class involves pairing off or choosing partners, either draw numbers or use some other arbitrary means of pairing...The student with autism is most often the individual left with no partner."
This happened a LOT all throughout school. I masked this trait by learning to work as effectively as possible on my own, and to this day I will opt to do a big project on my own rather than collaborate because I don't have the collaborative experience to refer to, I don't know how to act.
"Uneven skills development is a hallmark of autism."
Oh you betcha. I'm a pretty smart cookie, I test fairly well as far as Mensa are concerned - though I do have trouble with some questions that seem to have multiple correct answers. Anyway, yeah. I've a decent skill set, but transferable skills are only theoretical. Just because I can do X in Y situations doesn't mean I can extrapolate to doing something similar to X in Z situations.
Now, if I'd known about the autism as a child, I might have developed coping mechanisms rather than masking abilities. I might have grown up being a lot less harsh on myself. I might have learned to take less shit from those who sought to demean me. A lot of what I grew up with that was characterised as a character flaw, laziness, being difficult, being mentally ill... a lot of that was the autism.
So learning now to differentiate between actual autistic traits and other personality traits or idiosyncrasies so that I can better deal with things... that's kinda important. And it's feckin' difficult. For a start, there's a lot of overlap beween symptoms of ASD and BPD, especially as the disorders concern women. It would have been so much easier to learn this shit from the ground up so that I knew what was what and how to handle it.
And that is why an autism diagnosis as an adult is hard. Yes, it answers a LOT of questions about the little weirdo you were as a child, about the awkward and somewhat reclusive teen you grew into before becoming the mixed-up adult you are today... but it also presents you with a host of challenges going forward. Trying to differentiate between what is the autism and what is the rest, so that you can work your way forward in life. That's a biggie.
For me, I have a very short, explosive temper which I'm currently medicated for. I also have meltdowns of one sort or another when exposed to something new that requires my involvement during times of enhanced stress. There is also the unfortunate situation whereby the kids are a source of such enhanced stress.
Many challenges.
Sunday 12 March 2017
And in other news:
This is all art related so feel free to skip if you like.
My work is going in two directions at the moment. I've got my "Fractured People" series, which I'll be expanding the audience of so as to accommodate all those who have felt "fractured" in order to generate empathy for both sides of the mental health coin... I've also got another project going on which I've not yet got a name for... I use different parts of different Prisma filters and layer 3-5 of them to create a composite image which is then further altered in PhotoShop using their filters and by applying renders I find online which are free to use. When that is printed out onto canvas I then hand finish with paint or other bits and pieces where applicable.
Whilst I've come across some criticism in the past (oh you're just pissing about on PhotoShop, that's not art), I've received a lot of positive feedback on both these strains of work including assertions that I'm simply using the media that fits me best to create my works. I've written an affirmation statement in the back of my sketchbook, and I've kept hard copies of emails which have validated my practice. I need evidence, you see, otherwise my thoughts take over and bam, I'm in the miasma of depression and I'll just give up.
Serendipity herself has paid me a visit. I follow the gorgeous Dita von Teese on Facebook and she updated with an image, a painting she'd had done of her in her favourite dress. I thought to myself "shit, check that hyper-realism, I'll never come close to being that good". A couple of days later she posts a video of that painting being made. It's in French, so I click for Google to kindly translate. And that's when my jaw hit the floor. Turns out it's a collaborative effort that created the image, and that the image is first and foremost a photograph (!) taken by one artist, which has been painted on the top of by his partner. These two (Pierre et Gilles) have been working together for 40 years, creating elaborate stages and backdrops to photograph their models against. One takes and processes the photograph, the other hand-paints over the top of it to smooth imperfections, or embellish as befits the work. Now, these two rebel against the modern/machine and don't use PhotoShop or equivalent programmes at all, it's down to the elaborate setting and then the painting in post-production. But it is a very similar premise to what I'm doing with my second branch! A photo printed out and hand finished with paint and other embellishments. I am still ringing with excitement.
You see, I've not yet come across an artist who does things similar to me. There's Barbara Kruger, who was a heavy influence on my "Fractured People" in as much as 1) the images are completely desaturated, 2) there are words involved on the image, 3) the work is a campaign... but there's nobody out there trying to effect a change to people's perceptions about Mental Health/Illness using such imagery. But for this newer aspect, the filtration and embellishment to tell a story made of single flashes into my life and experiences, this and more importantly HOW I do it, there has been nothing. There are artists ofc who do self-portraits over and over for different reasons, but I've not seen anyone work with a pre-printed image of their self-portrait and finish it similarly to how I do. But I see similarity here. And I am ecstatic.
I guess it's because I feel like I now somehow "belong". I no longer feel like an outsider, making outsider art because I can't be trained in traditional methods. I feel like I have a community now. Like I have something to contribute. I'm so very grateful to have found it.
My work is going in two directions at the moment. I've got my "Fractured People" series, which I'll be expanding the audience of so as to accommodate all those who have felt "fractured" in order to generate empathy for both sides of the mental health coin... I've also got another project going on which I've not yet got a name for... I use different parts of different Prisma filters and layer 3-5 of them to create a composite image which is then further altered in PhotoShop using their filters and by applying renders I find online which are free to use. When that is printed out onto canvas I then hand finish with paint or other bits and pieces where applicable.
Whilst I've come across some criticism in the past (oh you're just pissing about on PhotoShop, that's not art), I've received a lot of positive feedback on both these strains of work including assertions that I'm simply using the media that fits me best to create my works. I've written an affirmation statement in the back of my sketchbook, and I've kept hard copies of emails which have validated my practice. I need evidence, you see, otherwise my thoughts take over and bam, I'm in the miasma of depression and I'll just give up.
Serendipity herself has paid me a visit. I follow the gorgeous Dita von Teese on Facebook and she updated with an image, a painting she'd had done of her in her favourite dress. I thought to myself "shit, check that hyper-realism, I'll never come close to being that good". A couple of days later she posts a video of that painting being made. It's in French, so I click for Google to kindly translate. And that's when my jaw hit the floor. Turns out it's a collaborative effort that created the image, and that the image is first and foremost a photograph (!) taken by one artist, which has been painted on the top of by his partner. These two (Pierre et Gilles) have been working together for 40 years, creating elaborate stages and backdrops to photograph their models against. One takes and processes the photograph, the other hand-paints over the top of it to smooth imperfections, or embellish as befits the work. Now, these two rebel against the modern/machine and don't use PhotoShop or equivalent programmes at all, it's down to the elaborate setting and then the painting in post-production. But it is a very similar premise to what I'm doing with my second branch! A photo printed out and hand finished with paint and other embellishments. I am still ringing with excitement.
You see, I've not yet come across an artist who does things similar to me. There's Barbara Kruger, who was a heavy influence on my "Fractured People" in as much as 1) the images are completely desaturated, 2) there are words involved on the image, 3) the work is a campaign... but there's nobody out there trying to effect a change to people's perceptions about Mental Health/Illness using such imagery. But for this newer aspect, the filtration and embellishment to tell a story made of single flashes into my life and experiences, this and more importantly HOW I do it, there has been nothing. There are artists ofc who do self-portraits over and over for different reasons, but I've not seen anyone work with a pre-printed image of their self-portrait and finish it similarly to how I do. But I see similarity here. And I am ecstatic.
I guess it's because I feel like I now somehow "belong". I no longer feel like an outsider, making outsider art because I can't be trained in traditional methods. I feel like I have a community now. Like I have something to contribute. I'm so very grateful to have found it.
Scrambled Brains
I've been feeling like a failure a lot recently. It's something that seems to ebb and flow, this feeling. It creeps up until you're almost drowning and then something happens (usually tears and talking with t'other half) and then it drops back to tolerable levels.
The kids are my biggest trigger. There. I said it. They are a trigger and a half. They can trigger me with one solitary word. Most recently it's been their diet that has me stressed. We have a sometime-picky glutton in Kaiden, and a taste/texture aversion and general suspicion in Taylor.
When Kaiden says "No" it riles me right up. I know he likes it, I know he's had it before and then picked on his father and me to "share" ours; and to top it off, I know fine well he's not eaten properly through the day and thus NEEDS to frickin' eat.
When Taylor says "No" it riles me right up. He's not even smelled it, not even licked it to try and work out if the flavour is familiar. And to top it off, I know fine well he's not eaten properly through the day and thus NEEDS to frickin' eat.
Taylor of course is a slightly more complex kettle of fish in that he has more severe allergies than his baby brother (who had egg pasta tonight without vomiting! Go K!), and he's anaemic due to his abysmal diet. The thing is, when I cook from scratch for him, there's only a 50-50 chance he'll try it, and from there only a 30-70 chance he'll eat more than half of what's in front of him. So making cottage pie or mince and tatties or bolognese (all of which afford me the option of hiding a squillion veggies inside without him noticing) is fraught with anxiety because over half the frickin' time HE DOESN'T BLOODY EAT IT.
The kid is overweight because what he DOES eat is all beige and trash. Chicken nuggets, chips, garlic bread (baguette only), crisps, bagels (cinnamon and raisin only), ice cream and milk. The kid would live off milk via intravenous drip if he were allowed. He will eat fruit - apples mostly, sometimes grapes (green only), oranges (only if daddy peels them), and the occasional banana. He will also eat those horribly expensive fruit pouches designed for babies and toddlers. Not the fruit + veg ones. He's too smart for that.
So to reduce my anxiety over this we have decided to start buying ready meals for the kids. Ready meals. Rather than me making kid-sized ready meals for them we are going to be buying them off the shelf so that when they end up all over the frickin' floor I don't explode at thinking about the time, effort, sweat, tears etc that went into that meal, so that I don't take it personally when they don't eat it (or even worse, abuse it). Daddy will also be helping them to eat their dinner whilst mommy sits far, far away so she doesn't choke the ever-loving crap out of the little sweethearts.
When they've grown up enough to eat whateverthefrick is on their plates, I'll start cooking for them again. Until that day comes they can live off of the overpriced supermarket gumpf with a guaranteed 1-of-their-5-a-day inside its plastic housing.
SCREW YOU, KIDS.
The kids are my biggest trigger. There. I said it. They are a trigger and a half. They can trigger me with one solitary word. Most recently it's been their diet that has me stressed. We have a sometime-picky glutton in Kaiden, and a taste/texture aversion and general suspicion in Taylor.
When Kaiden says "No" it riles me right up. I know he likes it, I know he's had it before and then picked on his father and me to "share" ours; and to top it off, I know fine well he's not eaten properly through the day and thus NEEDS to frickin' eat.
When Taylor says "No" it riles me right up. He's not even smelled it, not even licked it to try and work out if the flavour is familiar. And to top it off, I know fine well he's not eaten properly through the day and thus NEEDS to frickin' eat.
Taylor of course is a slightly more complex kettle of fish in that he has more severe allergies than his baby brother (who had egg pasta tonight without vomiting! Go K!), and he's anaemic due to his abysmal diet. The thing is, when I cook from scratch for him, there's only a 50-50 chance he'll try it, and from there only a 30-70 chance he'll eat more than half of what's in front of him. So making cottage pie or mince and tatties or bolognese (all of which afford me the option of hiding a squillion veggies inside without him noticing) is fraught with anxiety because over half the frickin' time HE DOESN'T BLOODY EAT IT.
The kid is overweight because what he DOES eat is all beige and trash. Chicken nuggets, chips, garlic bread (baguette only), crisps, bagels (cinnamon and raisin only), ice cream and milk. The kid would live off milk via intravenous drip if he were allowed. He will eat fruit - apples mostly, sometimes grapes (green only), oranges (only if daddy peels them), and the occasional banana. He will also eat those horribly expensive fruit pouches designed for babies and toddlers. Not the fruit + veg ones. He's too smart for that.
So to reduce my anxiety over this we have decided to start buying ready meals for the kids. Ready meals. Rather than me making kid-sized ready meals for them we are going to be buying them off the shelf so that when they end up all over the frickin' floor I don't explode at thinking about the time, effort, sweat, tears etc that went into that meal, so that I don't take it personally when they don't eat it (or even worse, abuse it). Daddy will also be helping them to eat their dinner whilst mommy sits far, far away so she doesn't choke the ever-loving crap out of the little sweethearts.
When they've grown up enough to eat whateverthefrick is on their plates, I'll start cooking for them again. Until that day comes they can live off of the overpriced supermarket gumpf with a guaranteed 1-of-their-5-a-day inside its plastic housing.
SCREW YOU, KIDS.
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