Why an Autism diagnosis as an adult is hard.

It's been about 10 months since I walked into my psychiatrist's office clutching a piece of paper with signs and symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome that pertained to me. 10 months since she agreed with me, yes, I have High Functioning Autism - because nomenclature changes and Asperger's (whilst descriptive) is no longer considered diagnostic.

Today I had my first proper this-is-because-I'm-autistic meltdown. Oh sure, I've had what in hindsight would be classed as autistic meltdowns before, but back then it was pushed aside as "being difficult", or "pre-menstrual" or because I was depressed with high anxiety, because I was Borderline and had anger issues. Today was different because I felt it escalating, I knew it was a disproportionate reaction, but at the same time I couldn't immediately pull myself out... I was crying hysterically, wailing, utterly inconsolable... and why?

Because I have to learn how to work an expensive printer.

More specifically; I have to learn how to work an expensive printer, using a Mac (when I'm strictly a Windows gal) to access said printer, in a room I've never been in which is chocka-block with classes, and not knowing if the printer will be able to handle the job I'm setting it as there's a lot of black ink used, and I've to get the job all done by the time the college breaks for Easter and the schedule I looked up online isn't that clear on when that is so suddenly TIME is of the essence here and I need to learn this shit quick, but I also have a tax return to do, be part of remortgaging the house, see my shrink and have a tutorial with a lecturer so it can't be done this week which leaves next week which is a week closer to the ambiguously dated holidays and OMG it just spirals further inward until you can barely breathe and suddenly it's all emotion and no rational thought, you saw it coming and you knew it was getting too much but suddenly it was WAY too much and you can't reign it in for 3/4 of an hour at which point you can think rationally again but you still feel anxious and nervous about learning to work a feckin' printer.

And breathe...

Knowing about the autism, I sought to find the best way to learn what I needed to learn so that I could be in and out quick and quiet. I looked online about learning styles for autism but there wasn't a lot out there for newly-diagnosed adults. It's mostly kid-centric. But there was a website that had a few things on it that I identified with, and it made me realise I have to learn to be a lot kinder to myself. I also saw a lot of Taylor on that site and hopefully I'll be kinder to him, too.

Examples:

"People with autism have trouble with organizational skills, regardless of their intelligence and/or age...He is most likely incapable of this organizational task [keeping a tidy desk] without specific training."

This extends to tidiness in the home, too.

"Avoid asking vague questions...Avoid asking essay-type questions."

Because I get lost within the question if it isn't specific or if it is too long.

"An increase in unusual or difficult behaviors probably indicates an increase in stress."

Such as shouting/yelling at your small children, outbursts of anger or tears, neglecting the physical self.

"If the student does not seem to be learning a task, break it down into smaller steps or present the task in several ways (e.g., visually, verbally, physically)."

I cannot count the number of times I've needed an alternative format to learn something. It took me the best part of 3 years, 4 different cars and 2 different driving schools to finally pass my practical driving test, for example.

"Use shorter sentences if you perceive that the student is not fully understanding you. Although he probably has no hearing problem and may be paying attention, he may have difficulty understanding your main point and identifying important information."

And let's not forget the importance of retaining information, which is also an issue here.

"Normal levels of auditory and visual input can be perceived by the student as too much or too little."

Normal levels of ANY input can be overwhelming for me.

"If your class involves pairing off or choosing partners, either draw numbers or use some other arbitrary means of pairing...The student with autism is most often the individual left with no partner."

This happened a LOT all throughout school. I masked this trait by learning to work as effectively as possible on my own, and to this day I will opt to do a big project on my own rather than collaborate because I don't have the collaborative experience to refer to, I don't know how to act.

"Uneven skills development is a hallmark of autism."

Oh you betcha. I'm a pretty smart cookie, I test fairly well as far as Mensa are concerned - though I do have trouble with some questions that seem to have multiple correct answers. Anyway, yeah. I've a decent skill set, but transferable skills are only theoretical. Just because I can do X in Y situations doesn't mean I can extrapolate to doing something similar to X in Z situations.

Now, if I'd known about the autism as a child, I might have developed coping mechanisms rather than masking abilities. I might have grown up being a lot less harsh on myself. I might have learned to take less shit from those who sought to demean me. A lot of what I grew up with that was characterised as a character flaw, laziness, being difficult, being mentally ill... a lot of that was the autism.

So learning now to differentiate between actual autistic traits and other personality traits or idiosyncrasies so that I can better deal with things... that's kinda important. And it's feckin' difficult. For a start, there's a lot of overlap beween symptoms of ASD and BPD, especially as the disorders concern women. It would have been so much easier to learn this shit from the ground up so that I knew what was what and how to handle it.

And that is why an autism diagnosis as an adult is hard. Yes, it answers a LOT of questions about the little weirdo you were as a child, about the awkward and somewhat reclusive teen you grew into before becoming the mixed-up adult you are today... but it also presents you with a host of challenges going forward. Trying to differentiate between what is the autism and what is the rest, so that you can work your way forward in life. That's a biggie.

For me, I have a very short, explosive temper which I'm currently medicated for. I also have meltdowns of one sort or another when exposed to something new that requires my involvement during times of enhanced stress. There is also the unfortunate situation whereby the kids are a source of such enhanced stress. 

Many challenges.

And in other news:

This is all art related so feel free to skip if you like.

My work is going in two directions at the moment. I've got my "Fractured People" series, which I'll be expanding the audience of so as to accommodate all those who have felt "fractured" in order to generate empathy for both sides of the mental health coin... I've also got another project going on which I've not yet got a name for... I use different parts of different Prisma filters and layer 3-5 of them to create a composite image which is then further altered in PhotoShop using their filters and by applying renders I find online which are free to use. When that is printed out onto canvas I then hand finish with paint or other bits and pieces where applicable.

Whilst I've come across some criticism in the past (oh you're just pissing about on PhotoShop, that's not art), I've received a lot of positive feedback on both these strains of work including assertions that I'm simply using the media that fits me best to create my works. I've written an affirmation statement in the back of my sketchbook, and I've kept hard copies of emails which have validated my practice. I need evidence, you see, otherwise my thoughts take over and bam, I'm in the miasma of depression and I'll just give up.

Serendipity herself has paid me a visit. I follow the gorgeous Dita von Teese on Facebook and she updated with an image, a painting she'd had done of her in her favourite dress. I thought to myself "shit, check that hyper-realism, I'll never come close to being that good". A couple of days later she posts a video of that painting being made. It's in French, so I click for Google to kindly translate. And that's when my jaw hit the floor. Turns out it's a collaborative effort that created the image, and that the image is first and foremost a photograph (!) taken by one artist, which has been painted on the top of by his partner. These two (Pierre et Gilles) have been working together for 40 years, creating elaborate stages and backdrops to photograph their models against. One takes and processes the photograph, the other hand-paints over the top of it to smooth imperfections, or embellish as befits the work. Now, these two rebel against the modern/machine and don't use PhotoShop or equivalent programmes at all, it's down to the elaborate setting and then the painting in post-production. But it is a very similar premise to what I'm doing with my second branch! A photo printed out and hand finished with paint and other embellishments. I am still ringing with excitement.

You see, I've not yet come across an artist who does things similar to me. There's Barbara Kruger, who was a heavy influence on my "Fractured People" in as much as 1) the images are completely desaturated, 2) there are words involved on the image, 3) the work is a campaign... but there's nobody out there trying to effect a change to people's perceptions about Mental Health/Illness using such imagery. But for this newer aspect, the filtration and embellishment to tell a story made of single flashes into my life and experiences, this and more importantly HOW I do it, there has been nothing. There are artists ofc who do self-portraits over and over for different reasons, but I've not seen anyone work with a pre-printed image of their self-portrait and finish it similarly to how I do. But I see similarity here. And I am ecstatic.

I guess it's because I feel like I now somehow "belong". I no longer feel like an outsider, making outsider art because I can't be trained in traditional methods. I feel like I have a community now. Like I have something to contribute. I'm so very grateful to have found it.

Scrambled Brains

I've been feeling like a failure a lot recently. It's something that seems to ebb and flow, this feeling. It creeps up until you're almost drowning and then something happens (usually tears and talking with t'other half) and then it drops back to tolerable levels.

The kids are my biggest trigger. There. I said it. They are a trigger and a half. They can trigger me with one solitary word. Most recently it's been their diet that has me stressed. We have a sometime-picky glutton in Kaiden, and a taste/texture aversion and general suspicion in Taylor.

When Kaiden says "No" it riles me right up. I know he likes it, I know he's had it before and then picked on his father and me to "share" ours; and to top it off, I know fine well he's not eaten properly through the day and thus NEEDS to frickin' eat.

When Taylor says "No" it riles me right up. He's not even smelled it, not even licked it to try and work out if the flavour is familiar. And to top it off, I know fine well he's not eaten properly through the day and thus NEEDS to frickin' eat.

Taylor of course is a slightly more complex kettle of fish in that he has more severe allergies than his baby brother (who had egg pasta tonight without vomiting! Go K!), and he's anaemic due to his abysmal diet. The thing is, when I cook from scratch for him, there's only a 50-50 chance he'll try it, and from there only a 30-70 chance he'll eat more than half of what's in front of him. So making cottage pie or mince and tatties or bolognese (all of which afford me the option of hiding a squillion veggies inside without him noticing) is fraught with anxiety because over half the frickin' time HE DOESN'T BLOODY EAT IT.

The kid is overweight because what he DOES eat is all beige and trash. Chicken nuggets, chips, garlic bread (baguette only), crisps, bagels (cinnamon and raisin only), ice cream and milk. The kid would live off milk via intravenous drip if he were allowed. He will eat fruit - apples mostly, sometimes grapes (green only), oranges (only if daddy peels them), and the occasional banana. He will also eat those horribly expensive fruit pouches designed for babies and toddlers. Not the fruit + veg ones. He's too smart for that.

So to reduce my anxiety over this we have decided to start buying ready meals for the kids. Ready meals. Rather than me making kid-sized ready meals for them we are going to be buying them off the shelf so that when they end up all over the frickin' floor I don't explode at thinking about the time, effort, sweat, tears etc that went into that meal, so that I don't take it personally when they don't eat it (or even worse, abuse it). Daddy will also be helping them to eat their dinner whilst mommy sits far, far away so she doesn't choke the ever-loving crap out of the little sweethearts.

When they've grown up enough to eat whateverthefrick is on their plates, I'll start cooking for them again. Until that day comes they can live off of the overpriced supermarket gumpf with a guaranteed 1-of-their-5-a-day inside its plastic housing.

SCREW YOU, KIDS.

Oh, it's been a while...

If I don't have it written down somewhere to MAKE A BLOODY BLOG POST then it just doesn't get done. Much like dishes, laundry etc, it falls by the wayside. Then, one day I look at it and decide it REALLY NEEDS DOING NOW and here I am.

(and yes I just had to review the last post I made because I couldn't remember what it was about. TL:DR it's about getting fat)

I'm the same weight, more or less, as I was at the beginning of the month. I set goals that I thought were realistic but which were ultimately unattainable. I've reassessed those goals and got myself a new little timetable of when I feel I can do my #FatGirlWalking, and it's only 2 times a week (I was aiming for 3 but hey ho) but I am able to commit to those 2 days and times and I commit to walking for 30 minutes non-stop. Maybe that will get better over time. I think it needs to. But I need to figure out when... Can't with the kids around because I close my eyes and immerse myself in LOUD music. Safety concerns there. Similarly, Can't when kids are asleep. I'm at the top weight that the machine was designed for (I knew I shouldn't have looked up that bastarding information) and even just walking makes noise, and noise travels through these houses very effectively. If I want the kids to go to sleep and stay asleep, I can't #FGW whilst they're in bed. Can't when I'm at college (duh, 2 different places at the same time). Leaves... Monday afternoon and Thursday morning. So that's when I do it, and I cool off and grab a shower straight after. It's working for me, I do 5km a week, and there's scope to go longer and do more in those two sessions - I just need more music.

What else? Ah yes. The inauguration of the 45th President of the United States of America. I refuse to name him, he's not worth that to me. He has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety and is part of the reason I slowed and eventually halted the #FGW by the end of January. I was obsessively stalking Facebook and Twitter wondering "WTF has the tangerine shitgibbon done NOW?". My mental health diary shows my mood swandiving and anxiety skyrocketing at the same time from the 19th January. Gee, thanks, 45. Well done.

I'm also back at college. I've got Art and Social Practice as well as continuing with Creative Practice 1. I was slated for Professional Practice 1 as well, but I'm only meant to be on that unit from January 2018. I'll still linger and offer my assistance where needed, it'll help me for next year to know what is expected of this year, after all. Enjoying the writing part of A&SP - I'm not afraid to have my own opinion and make it known. Benefits of age? experience? or am I just foolish? Being unafraid got me A/B for my essays last year so I figure why the hell would I change my MO. Just be who I be.

In other news, we binge-watched "Stranger Things", me solidly backed into the corner of the sofa with the duvet drawn up to my nose so I could hide easily. Series 2 is back at Halloween. More hiding. Also binge-watched "Enterprise" and now I want to dive into "Voyager" again. Not going to rush into "DS9" though. Besides, I've got "MacGyver" (the original and the best) on DVD to watch in the meantime. Just in case you're interested, total paperclip uses up to and including S2E4 => 3. And boy were they pretty implausible - but that's why I like it!

Coming soon, "The Walking Dead". Can't wait to see the new and improved Rick go and kick some ass - Lucille notwithstanding.

Ciao for now.