Paranoia

Is that what this is?

My guts keep twisting up for no earthly reason, so it's likely stress related. And I am stressed. I'm off meds and noticing niggly little worrying things about my behaviour. I'm not just Little Miss Shouty, I bloody roar at times, for one. And that's no good for anyone. I'm also short-tempered as hell with virtually everyone and everything which has culminated in some very sad and almost sheepish looks from those I love most - and it's totally not their fault, it's all on me. I think too fast, I think too slow, I can't think at all and my fingers follow suit because I find myself typing pure gibberish if I'm not careful. I have to be careful with how I look about the place because all of a sudden, my vision "slips" with a weird kind of muffled zzzzzip sound to it. It's like the background volume gets turned down for the duration of the zip. It's quite disorienting when it happens.

I think I have developed (or maybe have always had but it's been disguised or misdiagnosed) SOMETHING else. And that SOMETHING else is some scary shit. I don't know if it's a reaction to coming off the meds like I did (I know, I know) or if this is the genuine article previously disguised by the meds. I'm tracking it for a few weeks to see if there's a pattern, to see if it calms the fuck down or what.

I'm even more worried than ever that things are going to go so horribly wrong with my personal life, that things will blow up or worse, slip and slide and drift away. Maybe both. There's just too much going on inside my head and it's suffocating the other stuff that ought to be going on but isn't. I feel bad because this isn't what they signed up for, but at the same time I can't help it, so what do I do? And then I lose track of time, of days, dates... I'm trying to be more organised but it's just showing up how disorganised I really am, it's pretty shocking.

Am I paranoid? I'm not wearing a tinfoil hat or picking up personal messages through the TV, but I have this constant chatter in my head which I've always assumed is normal, but it's got a TONE to it now, a little "well, I wasn't going to say it buuuuut..." kinda tone. You know the one. I don't even know if a running monologue IS normal, it's not like I've got access to other people's brains to try and find out. I've just assumed it's normal because it's always been there. And yes of course it tells me to do things, otherwise shit I don't want to do wouldn't get done. It also tells me it's perfectly OK to go and buy a doughnut and scoff it in the car when nobody is looking but that's a whole other story.

Got an appt with my shrink tomorrow. See what she can make of all this, or if I'm just worrying (and stressing and crying) over nothing.

Fun times.