Grief

People deal with grief in different ways. I tend to feel it suddenly and acutely and then not at all. That's ok. It's just how I operate. But I know it can be difficult for others to get their heads around.

We lost my father-in-law last night, it was very sudden. Here one minute, gone the next. I've done my crying for him. He was a wonderful grandfather to our kids. Any future crying will be for those left behind, they need the sympathy and empathy more.

I wrote this earlier today. Through the day different people have said or done things that have made me cry unexpectedly. Random acts of kindness. Asking about the kids. Asking after me. I expect there will be more tears to come, as well - we've not yet told the kids that they've lost a grandad. We aren't doing "heaven" but instead will say he's died and that means he's living in the stars now. Simple enough.

The worst part of this is being apart from hubby dearest, who needs all the support he can get at such a sad time. But his place is by his mom and brothers. So sad.

Every silver lining has a cloud - or why bad things happen to good people.

The good news we got in February turned sour and we are now pretty much broke for the foreseeable future thanks to an overpayment from HMRC (their fault) which they are refusing to write off. It's complicated. We've written in to complain about it and implore they change their minds. Not hopeful.

Anxiety and depression are rearing their ugly heads in the house, leading to chest pains and much shouting. It's linked to the money worries. Even though I'm mentally not fit to work, I keep looking for jobs. I got an interview. It was disastrous. I was shaking like a leaf for most of it, with a lip and eye twitch to boot. See, I look pretty good on paper. Not so much in person. Still waiting to hear about the other jobs I've applied for. Ugh.

On a brighter note, there's a chance I could continue with my studies and complete my honours degree in Fine Art... which would lead to better communication and confidence with the staff, more familiarity with the setup at the college... an in-road to a job, should another art position arise. Because, you see, I can't teach primary. Too many kids. Can't teach secondary. Not enough respect from the kids. But I think I can teach other adults. That leaves tertiary education... so I need to do my honours, get a 2:1 or higher, go and get a teaching job and then do my TQFE through the job to keep the job. I think it's the only kind of job I could do. Just need to get funding for it or I'll not be able to do it at all because of aforementioned brokeness.

And keep your fingers crossed that my tax returns don't get bounced back, eh?