Saturday 17 June 2017

Results, results...

I've been waiting a sorry 5 weeks to hear feedback on the Creative Practice module. Two weeks longer than I ought to have been waiting, point of fact. In these two weeks, I've been shouting, screaming, pulling my own hair until it pops out from the roots, biting myself and I've been sorely neglecting just about everything of consequence in my life. I'm a shadow in my own home, incorporeal, barely there. When the stress becomes too much, rage rears its ugly head once again and the shadow becomes a malevolent poltergeist.

Today, I cowered in front of my computer (which was on another go-slow) and I wept. My kids came up to me and hugged me and soothed me, wiped the hair from my face and said "I love you mummy" over and over. These sweet little kids that I'm so lucky to be mummy to.

I don't think they realise, over at the college, that to make someone of my nature (Asperger's, BPD) wait so far beyond a deadline is practically torture. I'm neglecting myself, my duties as a household manager, my parental responsibilities so I can sit in front of my computer or with my phone repeatedly refreshing my emails, waiting, waiting, waiting for the feedback to come through. The worst part is, I cannot logic myself out of this deleterious habit. I can't power through and ignore that this feedback is so very late. I can't "chill", dude. Sorry.

In an attempt to kill time, I've invested a little in myself and bought Photoshop 2017. Tenner a month or thereabouts. Same as a WoW subscription. I think I'll get more use out of this, tbh, than I will Warcraft. Until we can get the right parts to Frankenstein my computer to be a bit faster, I'm kinda in limbo. Can't do what I would like, can't do what I need to do to keep my mind from screaming out for feedback, feedback.

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