Job Description (Parent)

This is a partial job-share, permanent contract for STAY AT HOME PARENT. The other company employee's job title is PARENT - EMPLOYED ELSEWHERE. The Details, Terms and Conditions are non-negotiable, subject to change with no prior notice or logic and become effective upon the promotion within the family company of a new CEO.

Job Details:

1. Your working day will start anywhere from 4am.
2. Your working day will end any time up to 4am.
3. There WILL be overtime. There will be NO notice or recompense. Sleep deprivation is an expected side-effect of this position. You WILL be expected to overcome it.
4. You will be expected to put all of your needs behind those of your employer/s - this includes meals (contents, consumption time, quantity), toilet breaks (rarely when you would prefer to go, you will be observed more than 50% of the time), and your uniform (this will often be ill-fitting and stained and generally unfit to be seen outside of your work environment).
5. You will be expected to read minds.
6. You will be expected to anticipate your employer's needs.
7. You will be expected to multitask beyond the scope of human capability.
8. You will NOT be permitted to talk to other adults unless your employer/s are otherwise occupied, and all conversation must cease and desist when your employer/s become bored (see 11).
9. You will be expected to keep your work environment in a constant state of Health & Safety approved tidiness. Hazards will be systematically rooted out and exploited.
10. You will be solely responsible for the nutritional input of your employer/s - hunger, malnutrition, thirst, stomach upsets et al will NOT be tolerated nor deemed acceptable by your employer/s or peers, no matter where the fault lies.
11. You will be solely responsible for the provision of appropriate tools to stimulate the development and evolution of your employer/s - boredom will NOT be tolerated.
12. You will be solely responsible for outfitting your employer/s in seasonally appropriate attire, ensuring that it meets with the employer's approval and remains fit to be seen outside of your work environment even if your employer is adamant they are to remain inside all day. The external appearance of your employer/s will be regarded by their peers and yours to be of utmost importance and reflect on your ability to perform in this role. Ensure that the image you present to them via your employer/s is worthy of this position.
13. You will be solely responsibly for the personal hygiene of your employer/s for the first 12 years of the individual contracts they hold with you. You will be liable for the repercussions of poor training in this field henceforth.
14. In addition to the tasks set out to you by/for your employer/s, you will be expected to feed and ensure there is enough clean laundry to clothe at least 2 adults, each and every day. You will also be expected to know the exact inventory of your fridge and larder and to be able to pinpoint the location of the remote control and car keys within a 20cm range of accuracy.

Terms and conditions of employment:

1. There is no pay.
2. There are no holidays. Respite can be arranged with appropriate persons only upon approval of the CEO/s and other employee, respite must be cleared in triplicate with the appropriate body and the details of the respite be submitted at least 3 weeks in advance.
3. You are employed from the day your eldest employer sees you until (in greater or lesser extent) the day your youngest employer abdicates the position of CEO and leaves the company premises. Points 1-3, 5, 13 of the Job Details in particular last until death.
4. You no longer have a name, you will be known by a generic title only. Many other people also respond to this title, so you will have to learn to distinguish by pitch and tone when you, specifically, are being called for and attend IMMEDIATELY.
5. You will no longer be automatically entitled to exclusive time to yourself. This luxury will be afforded to you only upon complete and utter satisfaction with your performance during the day. Please also see points 1-3 of the Job Details and note that these supersede the notion of time to yourself - you are ALWAYS on standby. Ergo, even when you think you have been awarded time to yourself this privilege can and will be revoked at a moment's notice. This point also applies directly to the other company employee, no matter the difficulties they have been presented with during their day.
6. You are now a lending library of books, tech, clothing and money. Do not expect to see any of the items you loan out to the CEO/s back in their original condition, if at all. Especially the money.

Whilst many of these Details and T's & C's also apply to the other company employee, ALL of them continually apply to the employee who stays at the company premises in the position of 24hr PA to the CEO/s.