Job Description (Parent)

This is a partial job-share, permanent contract for STAY AT HOME PARENT. The other company employee's job title is PARENT - EMPLOYED ELSEWHERE. The Details, Terms and Conditions are non-negotiable, subject to change with no prior notice or logic and become effective upon the promotion within the family company of a new CEO.

Job Details:

1. Your working day will start anywhere from 4am.
2. Your working day will end any time up to 4am.
3. There WILL be overtime. There will be NO notice or recompense. Sleep deprivation is an expected side-effect of this position. You WILL be expected to overcome it.
4. You will be expected to put all of your needs behind those of your employer/s - this includes meals (contents, consumption time, quantity), toilet breaks (rarely when you would prefer to go, you will be observed more than 50% of the time), and your uniform (this will often be ill-fitting and stained and generally unfit to be seen outside of your work environment).
5. You will be expected to read minds.
6. You will be expected to anticipate your employer's needs.
7. You will be expected to multitask beyond the scope of human capability.
8. You will NOT be permitted to talk to other adults unless your employer/s are otherwise occupied, and all conversation must cease and desist when your employer/s become bored (see 11).
9. You will be expected to keep your work environment in a constant state of Health & Safety approved tidiness. Hazards will be systematically rooted out and exploited.
10. You will be solely responsible for the nutritional input of your employer/s - hunger, malnutrition, thirst, stomach upsets et al will NOT be tolerated nor deemed acceptable by your employer/s or peers, no matter where the fault lies.
11. You will be solely responsible for the provision of appropriate tools to stimulate the development and evolution of your employer/s - boredom will NOT be tolerated.
12. You will be solely responsible for outfitting your employer/s in seasonally appropriate attire, ensuring that it meets with the employer's approval and remains fit to be seen outside of your work environment even if your employer is adamant they are to remain inside all day. The external appearance of your employer/s will be regarded by their peers and yours to be of utmost importance and reflect on your ability to perform in this role. Ensure that the image you present to them via your employer/s is worthy of this position.
13. You will be solely responsibly for the personal hygiene of your employer/s for the first 12 years of the individual contracts they hold with you. You will be liable for the repercussions of poor training in this field henceforth.
14. In addition to the tasks set out to you by/for your employer/s, you will be expected to feed and ensure there is enough clean laundry to clothe at least 2 adults, each and every day. You will also be expected to know the exact inventory of your fridge and larder and to be able to pinpoint the location of the remote control and car keys within a 20cm range of accuracy.

Terms and conditions of employment:

1. There is no pay.
2. There are no holidays. Respite can be arranged with appropriate persons only upon approval of the CEO/s and other employee, respite must be cleared in triplicate with the appropriate body and the details of the respite be submitted at least 3 weeks in advance.
3. You are employed from the day your eldest employer sees you until (in greater or lesser extent) the day your youngest employer abdicates the position of CEO and leaves the company premises. Points 1-3, 5, 13 of the Job Details in particular last until death.
4. You no longer have a name, you will be known by a generic title only. Many other people also respond to this title, so you will have to learn to distinguish by pitch and tone when you, specifically, are being called for and attend IMMEDIATELY.
5. You will no longer be automatically entitled to exclusive time to yourself. This luxury will be afforded to you only upon complete and utter satisfaction with your performance during the day. Please also see points 1-3 of the Job Details and note that these supersede the notion of time to yourself - you are ALWAYS on standby. Ergo, even when you think you have been awarded time to yourself this privilege can and will be revoked at a moment's notice. This point also applies directly to the other company employee, no matter the difficulties they have been presented with during their day.
6. You are now a lending library of books, tech, clothing and money. Do not expect to see any of the items you loan out to the CEO/s back in their original condition, if at all. Especially the money.

Whilst many of these Details and T's & C's also apply to the other company employee, ALL of them continually apply to the employee who stays at the company premises in the position of 24hr PA to the CEO/s.

Petulant child is petulant.

We seem to have belated separation anxiety in our little household. I thought we'd had a mild dose or even skipped it but noooooooo... I can't even tidy an adjacent room and be visible through the door - it's simply not enough! I have to be within a micron of his loud and screechy little face or all hell breaks loose. I'm honestly surprised the neighbours haven't called the police, the way he screams it's like he's being murdered.

But shit's gotta get done, baby! Sorry!

Getting the house in order - as a natural hamster, stuff tends to accumulate around me. I can move it all around and pretend I've dealt with it buuuuuut at the end of the day it bites me in the ass as there's then nowhere else to hide anything else. At the moment though, there's still a teeny bit of room to cram things so I don't have to face that yet. Besides, I'll be a lot more efficient at it when the nesting kicks in good and proper.

We have rellies arriving on Thursday, same day as the letting agent is inspecting the house. I'm not entirely comfortable with people being in my house when I'm not there, so I hope we are in when the lassie calls by. I'll write a list of things to watch out for (slugs breaking in, peeling paint in the newly-refurb'd bathroom, loose letterbox, etc) and hope it doesn't take 4-5 months to get things put to rights again. Sometimes it takes 4-5 days, credit where it's due... but other times it ain't so good. Back to the rellies - trying to plan when we're eating in (and what we're having), when we're eating out (and whether it's mum's side or dad's we're going with) and what to do during the days when DH has to go to work. I really hope the weather improves some, trip to the beach would be very nice :)

In other news, I feel and look like a freaking manatee. Gained back most of the weight it took me 6 months to lose (I know it's mostly baby, waters, increased blood volume etc but STILL) and caught myself in the mirror wearing a grey jumper yesterday...

Yes, that is exactly what I looked like. Minus the underwater part.

Less than 12 weeks, less than 12 weeks...

Sad times, bad times, good times.

I passed the dreaded GTT. (good)

I've been eating a LOT recently, and making poor choices at that. (bad)

Bruce's house in London is under offer. (good)

And for just over the asking price. (really good)

But we're not ready to look at buying yet, and might not be until after Minion is born. (bad, I want to decorate SO BAD right now)

We're expecting family over from Zim in the next week or so. (good)

Who are arriving after the funeral of a much-loved friend of the family, a funeral we likely cannot attend. (sad)

Taylor's still kinda teething. (sad and bad)

But he's getting better at accepting help with it (gel, Anbesol, Calpol). (good and also sad)

And has gotten over his temporary lactose intolerance from that tummy bug in January. (good)

But can still be a picky wee shite at dinnertime. (feckin' typical)

And still doesn't like cheese. (wtf)

But sleeps through the night on average once a week now. (welcome relief)

My shrink wants me to attend psychotherapy again. (good. well, better than the meds option)

But this can't start until after the birth. (bad)

So I've got everyone keeping a close eye on me. (good, but kinda creepy, y'know?)

In the meantime, the other June babies have started to pop. (bad)

But they are all doing well, despite being so very small. (good)

It still hasn't really sunk in how much this lil Minion will change our lives. (no, really, it hasn't)

But I'm looking forward to a new adventure. (good)

With my slightly bigger than little family. (very good)