When your best just isn't good enough.

When you can't get up the willpower to shower every second day, never mind plan meals so you can diet. When you struggle to get out of bed in the morning but you do so because of the kids. If you had a choice, you wouldn't, but those lovable little energy vampires make you. When your "business" is blatantly a loss-making machine but you have to be a declared business because otherwise HMRC will scalp you. Oh, the paperwork. When the therapy you've been attending for nearly a year has helped a little bit, but not helped in the way you needed. When your Social Worker doesn't bother to return your calls. When your kid's daycare threaten to call Social Services because all of a sudden, after a year of being perfectly happy with him, they now suspect neglect. Fuck you, Mrs Campbell. Fuck you very much. When you're so disgusted with how you look you dread seeing your friends. Your family. Your own husband. When you're trying so hard but you don't know what for or why because none of it seems to make a blind bit of difference. When you can't afford weight loss surgery even though you've got the evidence in your medical records that would likely get you it on the NHS oh-but-there's-a-waiting-list. Fuck it. When all you want to do is curl up and crochet, but you can't because your husband is tired and the kids aren't and oh, now you have RSI to mix in with all of that, so your hobby-cum-business can't move forward and you're left typing on the computer instead.

Pity party, my house. Bring me Tesco's Finest Salted Caramel crème liqueur for entry. Or some butterscotch schnapps.

it's been a long time coming

three years, really. a month after my eldest was born i let my WoW sub lapse and barring the odd month here and there where i tested whether i could go back, i've finally resubbed and upgraded to the newest xpac. oh and i've reverted back to ignoring most initial capitals. suck it up, grammar nazis.

i have a toon on an RPPVP server (fun so far, only been ganked once), and i'm relearning how to hunter before picking which realm (and thus which faction) to use my boosts on.

WoW is a kind of mindfulness exercise for me, it seems. i can just zone out whilst questing, as i know most of them like the back of my hand at these early levels. just keep questing, just keep questing.

i'm a PVE gamer on a PVP realm, so i hate seeing those multicoloured bars pop up on my screen, means fight or flight response is triggered and that's kinda the opposite of mindfulness. so my new approach is "whatever" and go log an alt until the ganker gets bored of corpse-sitting. it's just a game, there's nothing life or death about being ganked (ironically enough) to warrant being stressed over it. how long this takes to go from logic to automatic response is anyone's guess.

This must be a new record.

It's been almost a year since I last blogged here. a YEAR!

In that time, we've moved house (twice), bought a house and another car (the old car is off the road, but still counts, right?), been on holiday with the kids (never again) and little me here has done their first set of accounting for HMRC only to be told that I didn't need to worry about it til the middle of next year. Oh well.

I've also had meds increased and added to, got me a slight case of Grave's with the symptoms of the other kind of auto-immune thyroid business, and put on a shedload of weight that I really could be doing without. Then again, it IS winter and I need the insulation. Ha.

So I suck at Blogging. I was a crappy pen-friend, too.

Updates on this life...

Biggest is at Daycare 2 days a week and is LOVING it.

Littlest is trying solid foods, but it's a scary process because apparently he has food allergies, too. Still a boob monster which means he HATES being more than 2 minutes away from me. This is a difficult time for everyone who holds him who doesn't happen to be me.

The Grups are stressing about the upcoming house move. We have to compile a list of the people we need to contact to inform them of our upcoming change of address, organise switchovers of services, yadda yadda. And then there's the actual packing. The house is so full that there's nowhere for the packed boxes to actually go...

This is going to be a bit of a process in and of itself. We are trying to get rid of all the small baby things as we have pretty much decided for now that this is it for us. Two perfectly adorable little boys will do for the time being, and may just be all we create in terms of progeny. Come on, pregnancy hates me, the sleep deprivation is pure torture, and until Daddy learns to breastfeed the first year is kinda crappy for everyone but the baby (see statement about littlest, above). Getting rid of crap we don't need, that no longer fits, that is surplus to requirement.

Oh, and we will be getting a dishwasher. SCORE!