A year on.

It's been a year since I realised that I wasn't cisgender and I've come a long way since then. I've moved more towards the person I was always supposed to be, and that's only been possible with support from friends and family. Some, sadly, haven't been as supportive as I'd hoped, particularly when I did end up changing my name. Some simply can't see beyond the gender binary and will only see me as female. I've been fairly forgiving of the occasional slip with my name, but there are some who will always think of me by another name. That's fine, but don't speak to me using that name, that's just rude. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can teach PEOPLE basic RESPECT and MANNERS. (s'cuse the caps, but it really annoys me that people try to shift responsibility for themselves by blaming their age, their generation, the length of time they've known me. You are responsible for how you respond and react to the world around you and it behoves you to treat people with a universally basic level of respect and dignity, like using the correct name/pronouns... anyway, moving on...)

I've been very lucky. Almost 10 years ago I met Bruce, and I knew almost immediately that he was special and that he was going to be a major player in my life. Two years ago, I met someone else who also triggered that response in me. Thankfully, everyone in our relationship is less concerned about societal norms and more concerned about the happiness of everyone involved, and we are all as happy as can be in the setting we are in. (a lottery win would be wonderful, but I think everyone has that on their list). I have been able to facilitate the creation of two wonderful little people who are the light and soul of my core existence, they've literally lit me up from inside and expanded what I thought my heart was capable of feeling.

This doesn't stop the dark times from being so very dark, however. Events this past year brought me to a low I've felt only a couple of times before and a long time ago, a low that I previously thought I would never see the other side of. Instead of dealing with things in a maladaptive manner (which in the past has facilitated the resolution of the darkness), I chose to feel it all, and for as long as it took to subside. Instead of hurting myself, I paid someone to do it for me (two new tattoos, before you get any kinky ideas). And, I survived. It was important for me to face that, to try and push through it, so that I could learn for myself that I needn't be afraid of it. It SUCKED. It was awful. But I lived. If it happens again, I know I can face it again, and live through it again. I have people to live for, people who anchor me to this plane. I will be eternally grateful for these people.

These days, if the subject comes up, I don't go through the laundry list of what other people think defines me, or should define me. I feel under no obligation to reveal my orientation, and I'll only correct people on my gender if it's annoying me how I'm being addressed.

I'm Cat. I'm queer. I'm happier than I was before. And I am only able to be this person because I stopped being who I wasn't.



For those saddened by paragraph 3, please consider donating to the charity who helped me through it, again.

Long time, no see.

It has been a fairly long time, hasn't it.

If I've not been blogging for my course, I suddenly find I have the need to write random shit down for no other reason than I like making lists, and using the words and reading the things (but only the things I write, I've not yet the energy to read an actual, y'know book, or anything).

So where are we at? 

Welp, since realising I didn't feel like a girl and that not only was this OK but part of the human condition, I've changed my name on just about everything I can change my name on. This has resulted in an almost catastrophic breakdown of the relationship I have with one of my parents, but I'm not drawing any lines in the sand just yet. I am, however, going to get a certain tattoo covered up, because I feel that having it on me enables their prejudice and refusal to accept me for who I am. That parent has pretty much ignored us and the kids unless it suits them to have us around, so rather guttingly it'll be No Great Loss if they end up ghosted.

Being in a fully aware, consenting and happy open marriage has helped enormously. My SO has had their own realisations and revelations that have enabled me to see myself for someone other than a broken malfunctioning thing. I'm eternally grateful to my hubby for allowing this to be, and for my SO for being a part of my life.

It's a lot easier to identify as Queer than try and list/explain all the things that make me different to the hetero-cis version of normal that people insist on assuming. Who even has the time to explain what "Non-Binary" means, or that most of the time you don't feel you have a gender at all? To defend that? That you don't care what people have between their legs, you're attracted to who they are as a person? That you are fully committed... to two different people? That on top of all of that, you don't experience sex or sexual attraction in the way that most people do for the vast majority of the time? I mean, a lot of that is really personal shit that has nothing to do with any casual acquaintance, but it still marks me out as being different. My gender identity (or lack thereof) however, that needs to be out in the open to avoid disgust and discomfort, dysphoria, sneers of awkwardness. People still call me "she" which, thanks boobs, I can't really blame them for. I'm trying to get folks to use more neutral terminology, but it doesn't come naturally to them, and I get why it's difficult. But it's not impossible.

I'm also on the pathway to getting bariatric surgery, which is something I've been seriously thinking about as an option to keep a lid on my weight fluctuations for some, uh, 15 years now. Every 2 weeks until the middle of August, and assuming I get through this stage, it's screening to make sure I'm medically suitable for the surgery (no hidden heart complaints or anything), and then put on the wait list and the pre-surgical diet. Yes, I'm fully aware of the changes I'll need to make, and hey - I'm already ditching the soda for water most of the time so I'm already halfway through the hardest part IMHO. No steak is gonna be a tough one. No caffeine will be a bitch, but I gotta figure out a way through that because I'm not gonna let a little morning somnolence put a hole in this plan.

I've been losing weight slowly but surely since starting Thyroxine, it's helping battle the gain caused by being on antipsychotics, which I'm pretty sure I'll be on forever, seeing as how talking therapies haven't helped resolve my rage issues. I'm not losing as fast as I think I oughta, given the average caloric content of my diet, but any loss is a good loss and with the upcoming diet and exercise changes I'll be making, it'll be even more effective. I still get salty about the incredibly disproportionate gains I get when I fall off the track though. That shit is hard to accept. But Ingress will be helping with that... More walking, and my "treats" will be in fuel rather than food or alcohol, getting to portals, farming keys, making fields...

I've been applying for jobs (shockingly I've not heard back from any of them) because the DWP cut my disability benefit back in December. We managed to keep me in college for the last 5 months but it's taken a toll on all of us to do so. I've had to try and think of other ways to get to where I want to be in the future: teaching Art, because since I started my course back in 2016 the institutes that offered the PGDE for Secondary Art & Design no longer do... so I'd have to distance-learn that from an English institute with English tuition fees: no can do. Trying to navigate diversions and new paths is exceedingly difficult and I need a lot of help in seeing where I can go, but I'm trying. And hopefully one day I'll be doing what I need to do in order to do what I love. It would make a huge difference to my quality of life to have that benefit back, but this government is so set against people with hidden conditions that I doubt it will happen, even at tribunal level. I'm having to go private to get a piece of paper to prove I'm Autistic ffs because though my shrink said it was "a good fit" back in 2016, they won't assess me under the NHS because my IQ is normal/above. Because obviously that means you're OK and don't need extra help in life... /sarcasm.

I'm still making, doing, but I'm on a short break to get the college criteria out of my head so I can work more freely. I've started a seasonal work, with "Persephone Rising" being in the Moray Art Centre's "Spring" themed exhibition (up now for the month of May, go see it and vote for/buy my stuff plx). I'll be working on Summer's piece in the near future, followed by Autumn and Winter in due course.

I think we're all caught up now!