I feel human.
For the first time in about 2 months, I actually feel real. For the first time in about 10 months I've gone a week without yelling in *whispers* rage.
I have to say, I didn't realise how widespread the whole post-partum anxiety/rage thing was, until I read a blog post about it one night. The next day I made a doctor's appointment because seriously - it was at a kind of crisis point. I shared that post around Facebook on a number of closed and secret groups, and my oh my the responses it got... so many women identified with it. It was a surreal moment to realise that this... whateverthefuck I had wasn't actually just me and my old illness (whateverthefuck THAT is either, they've still not decided), it was a thing, you know, a recognised actual thing that people get, that people get through, and that people get over.
So anyway - I'm now on some pills. they're SSRIs and they're supposed to take anywhere from 6-8 weeks to kick in. But I'm actually doing ok on them after 1 week. I suddenly have my patience back. I've not shouted in anger. I'm a little less anxious. My husband has noticed a difference. My father has noticed a difference. I dare say even the kids have noticed a difference. I'm doing a little more and not berating myself for not doing as much as I think I ought to. Shit's getting done, bottom line.
But... 1 week... that's a bit soon. This whole PPD thing doesn't just resolve like a lanced boil overnight, either. So what gives? According to Dr Google (and articles like this), the Placebo Effect can still take place even if the patients are aware that the drug they are being given isn't a drug, but a fake. So in my case, I believe that there is a kind of Placebo Effect going on whereby I am feeling better and am able to function better almost immediately, even though the drugs themselves haven't had time to work on my serotonin reuptake rates.
Here's hoping they have kicked in by the time the Placebo Effect wears off.
